Holiday Review: Valentines Day

Also known as "Singles Awareness Day", Valentines Day (or St. Valentines Day) is the holiday in which people are morally obligated to purchase presents for those they love, in order to more succinctly drive home the fact that they are not worth presents at any other time of the year. The Wikipedia article on Valentines Day itself has, unfortunately, been completely expunged of any factual truth dating after the early 1900's, in a storm-trooper assault of corporate article-editing, so I'm going to have to find other credible sources here.

My main source is my good friend Khonsu, who has the following to say on the matter:

FUCK! Am I the only person who HATES getting Valentine's GIFTS? Being given a V-day gift is like saying to your partner "Here, I care only about nationally recognized days to show affection because otherwise you won't fuck me tonight and I won't have anything to brag about on the 15th." Am I the only woman that enjoys sex for SEX instead of just "rewarding" my "faithful and loyal" for not fucking up? Seriously--I ALREADY HAVE A DOG, I DON'T NEED TWO. The only begging my partner should do is if a ninja jumps into our bedroom and threatens to play Raffi at 78RPM on an old record player every time I orgasm. "No, please, no more Bananaphone." THAT'S IT.

Everything Vlad (her boyfriend) wants? He gets. Everything I want? I get. See how NICELY that works out?

That pisses me off about a lot of women--they treat men like dogs, literally, dogs. The only logic I can see behind this is that most women are bitches, so I guess the only proper fucking they can get is from a sire.

Fuck teddy bears. Fuck chocolate. Fuck stupid, girly schmaltzy bullshit and FUCK HALLMARK, TOO!

FUCK ME.

Isn't she just precious?

Of course, since my wife doesn't feel this way, I have to go out and buy her some candy and flowers right now. Excuse me.