Biology Review: The Common Fucking Cold

*snnrrkkkk* That's right. I'm here to review one of the most annoying conditions on the planet. The common cold, also known as "acute nasopharyngitis", is a mild viral infectious disease of the nose and throat, but it can also cause inflammation of the ear canals as well as various symptoms involving the eyes. This pretty much covers the head holes, as most humans have them. The virus is nothing if not thorough. The average human can kick one on three to five days... me, usually three, and Throkky, usually five.

More than five kinds of common cold virus, with several hundred specific varieties, exist, which explains why medicine to combat it is so often very useless, as you would require various fluid samples to determine WHICH kind of virus it is. Expensive tests. It is much easier, and less expensive, and more convenient, to simply treat the symptoms, which is why I am currently seeing the world through a fuzzy haze of ibuprophen, pseudoephedrine, and key lime pie (fuck you all, pie makes me feel better).

The common cold costs the American economy alone $7.7 billion dollars in downtime, and many more billions worldwide. In Canada, though, as well as traditionally 'colder' European nations, the rate per capita of colds versus the rate of missed days are lower, perhaps due to our "It's just a cold" mentality. Of course, this means that, thanks to people toughing it out, someone in my office has had a cold since November. It's sort of a Canadian roulette... "Ok, who gets the cold THIS week... iiiiiits.... CHRIS! Hooray!"

The cold has been identified in ancient Egypt, Greece, and the Mayan and Incan civilizations, and everywhere the treatments were mixtures and concoctions that sped up the metabolism, and made you sweat, as well as naturally occuring antinflammatories and decongestants, usually high in natural sugars and spices. Everytime I get sick, I head for the orange juice and spicy foods, so maybe there's something to these natural cures. Extra Strong Honey Garlic Teryaki ribs make me feel better, that's all I'm saying.

Anyways, for being a tough little bugger, and not giving up, even though the cold viruses outnumber us a billion to one, I give the common cold a 7. Keep it up, little guys... *snnrrrkkk*