Friday, August 26, 2005

Movie Review: The Cave

*beats his head against a wall* Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute... *beats his head a few more times, then smiles at you* Thats better.

I'd like to start off by saying something to Hollywood studios: Why? What could have possibly posessed you that this film was WORTHY of making, was WORTHY of a major studio release? They basically took The Relic, and mixed it with Pitch Black, and even threw in the supporting male star of the latter film. To make matters worse, the editing appears to have been done by an epileptic, and the special effects by someone who just read the "PhotoShop 7.0 Bible". Lastly, the dialogue could very well have been created by the MS Office Grammar Checker.

This movie has, really, no redeeming features. EVERY good scene was revealed by the commercials. Several parts of the movie are just patently retarded, contradicting the scenes around it. There's a glacier located directly adjacent to a PERMANENTLY BURNING LAKE OF METHANE, and strangely the air is perfectly breathable despite being COMPLETELY sealed off from the outside world. Several parts, such as how an armed troupe of medieval soldiers made it through 2.4 miles of underground river, are just never explained. It was just.... it was just scenes, strung together, sometimes with bits tacked on PURELY to explain in plain English what has only been inferred with all the subtlety of an atomic fucking bomb.

And the ending.... oh, my God, the ending... I almost demanded my money back just how hackneyed and retarded the ending was. The star dies, the token black guy is stuffed into a cab, and... and... I'd reveal it, but I'm not that cruel, even if you never see this movie.

0.5 out of 10.


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