Movie Review: Blade Trinity

To start off, I would like to recite a small portion of the South Park episode where Johnny Cochrane is in town, and talking to the jury.

"This is Chewbacca. He is a Wookie. But he lives on Endor. Now think about that. This does not make sense. Why would a Wookie, a nine-foot tall Wookie from the planet Kashyyk, be living on Endor with a bunch of tiny Ewoks? It does not make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, this does not make sense." [picks up a small monkey] "Look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey!"

[One of the jurors groans, and his head explodes.]

We have now summed up my movie-going experience on Friday night, when I went to go see Blade Trinity. Never before have I gone into a movie with such low expectations and come out wondering how I could have so badly overestimated it's worth.

Now, to be honest, it wasn't ALL bad. I had thought after seeing the ads, "Oh, cripes, Ryan Reynolds is in this, this is going to suck harshly." However, after seeing it, the only thing good I could say was "Man, Ryan Reynolds is awesome. He has such great delivery, and all the good lines were his. He rocks."

Jessica Biel sleepwalked utterly unmemorably through this film. She was annoyingly emotionless, with so little back story to her character I figured she was going to get the Ensign-In-Red treatment. No such luck. Blade is more or less the same as he was in the first two movies, although less likeable. One amusingly high note was that the blind genius leader of the Nightstalkers is Natasha "But I'm A Cheerleader" Lyonne, which although she's been in a hundred other things, will always stick in my head as a girl in pink sitting in a chair sobbing "Oh my god, I'm a lesbian!" Which brings us to the villains.

Who the high holy fuck thought that a bunch of annoying preppy too-hip thirty-somethings would make any sort of frightening Vampire cadre? Every single one of them just came off as self-centered and whiny. Callum Keith Rennie whored himself out badly for his scant number of scenes, and Triple H, although he does have good screen presence, seriously needs an acting coach. I was giggling everytime he made a threat, simply because he looked like he memorized his movements from a Meccano set. Parker Posey was kind of effective, but being effective at portarying a loud petulant poser is no great success.

And finally... Dracula. Or Dacon. Or Drake. Or whatever the hell you want to call him. Dominic Purcell was given his one chance at TV legendary status as the titular character in Fox's "John Doe", which, predictably, was cancelled. He was a great actor, given a great part in a great TV series, which attracted a strong viewership, so naturally Fox had to axe it. In this movie, he plays the vampire progenitor, some sort of demonic mutation, able to shapeshift and walk in sunlight and stuff. However, he's a wuss! At the very end, he and Blade are evenly matched. I mean, sure, Blade is supposed to be strong, but this is DRACULA! He barely puts up a fight. He's lousy with a sword, gets easily frustrated (despite having the patience to sleep for five hundred years) and doesn't even look that scary in any of his forms.

However, I have to give them credit for adding some depth to him. He is honorable, he is not wantonly destructive, and he has a great sense of worth. At the end, his final gift to Blade is surprisingly well thought out, even if his death was retarded. (Slight spoiler - they give him the vampire equivalent of SARS).

All in all, I have to say: Rent this just to see every scene with Ryan Reynolds. The man is funny. He put on thirty pounds of muscle for this role, which is dedication, and although some of his 'dialogue' would make a fourteen year old wigger skater punk shiver, his monologues are inspired.

Score: Meh out of 10.