Mighty Jalapeno Reviews Everything

Movie Reviews: Fearless & The Protector

2006-10-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

I saw both of these in recent weeks, so I figured it's about time I get around to talking about how MUFUGGING AMAZING THEY W.... I mean, read on!

Movie Review: The Protector

For people who read this blog (yes, both of you), you have probably read my review for Ong-Bak. This movie is by nearly all of the same people.... Tony Jaa and Petchtai Wongkamlao, and their director buddy, Prachya Pinkaew. It's also in the same vein... Tony Jaa uses mad fucked-up anti-gravity superhuman skillz of awesome to defeat a buttload of criminals who stole stuff from him and his people. However, you are NOT going to a Tony Jaa flick for the plot. You are going for the awesomeness of his performance, and the righteous fury of vengeance.

And neither disappoints here. With ten times as much money to play around with, and the entire Australian action film industry to draw upon, there is no shortage of car chases and bad-ass fights. In spite of all the INCREDIBLY memorable action sequences (the burning church, the throne room, the flying party crasher) there is one that sticks out even among all this: a six minute SINGLE TAKE sequence of Jaa walking from the street, through a restaraunt, into a hotel, up ten flights of ramping stairs and wide open terrace, into another restaraunt, all while dispatching of somewhere around forty people in quick fights. Let me repeat... this was ONE TAKE! The camera guy was chasing Jaa the whole time, and it never cut away. It was choreography ART!

There are also a whole lot more side characters this time around, both good guys and bad. Sullen criminal underbosses, angered policemen and their partners, sick animal dealers, power-mad politicians... it's a smorgasborg of stereotypes, but DAMMIT, it's done so well you scarcely even notice. Also, unlike in Ong-Bak, here Jaa gets his ass handed to him a few times. Those fights he wins, he WORKS for it, and he works it for the camera to godly levels.

Real Movie Rating: 3 out of 10.
Action Movie Rating: 10 out of 10. If it gets any better than this, it hasn't been done yet.

Movie Review: Jet Li's Fearless

Jet Li's final movie.

It's a travesty, it's horribly unfair... but it's true. Mr Li is retiring from the big screen, and unlike most people who quit 'the biz', I have to respect his reason. To him, martial arts movies have abandoned the principles of wushu... they've all become revenge movies. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, in spite of it's grandeur and epicosity, was a revenge flick. Unleashed (Danny the Dog elsewhere) was a revenge flick. Hell, Lethal Weapon 4 (the one he was in) was a revenge flick, in it's own way. Wushu is not about revenge...

... and for a while, watching this movie, I called bullshit on him. It was all about revenge! Revenge, savage beatdowns, killings... for revenge. As the movie passed the mid-point, and the plot fully unfurled itself, I saw that it was exactly how Jet Li had meant to go out. No longer about revenge, but about honesty and inspiration and respect, Fearless transcends the normal martial arts movie mold, and becomes truly great.

Jet Li may be looking his age, but he was playing a middle-aged father and husband, so it worked for him. This movie was also based on a real-life man in China at the turn of the century, so it also works for him that he looks like a real-life man. His skills are still pure beauty to watch, like a waterfall or a rainbow, and I wish him the best in his future life kicking around his mansion and reading poetry.

Real Movie Rating: 8.5 out of 10
Action Movie Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Television Review: The New Shows

2006-10-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Now, I should say straight up that I haven't watched ALL the new shows... let's face it, if I did that, I'd need three TiVo's, a personal assistant, and a mufuggin LOBOTOMY. However, there are a few that, for better or worse, I have watched, and I'd like to complain about them now.

First off, my pick of the bunch:

Shark

When I saw the very first ads for this, I thought "Hey, cool, James Woods is back on television. This might be good. Hmmmm, legal drama, and it looks like he has a cadre of hip young attractive lawyers... ok, now it sounds dumb." Then I saw the ads right before it aired, and I thought "Ok, he's ranting, being a jerk, and drawing on a clear board while everyone stares at him. So it's basically House, only with legal problems. Uhm, ok... hooray, plagiarism! This will probably suck." Then I watched it, and I finally thought "Wow, that was pretty good. The characters are two and a half dimensional, James Woods is awesome as always, and Seven of Nine is not a showpiece." Yeah, by the way, Jeri Ryan is on the show.

So far, I like it. I've seen two episodes, and it hasn't gotten stale, and only one scene has made me groan, but all in all, I like it. Stark, the main character, was a high priced defense attourney for 20 years, one of the best in America. When he arrives at a clients house to see a girl slashed and murdered, his client soaked in blood, and said client saying "Well, mny lawyer's here. You should just let me go right now," he has a nervous breakdown, and gets forced by the Mayor himself to become a district prosecutor on the toughest cases. Stark likes this, after finding out what a bunch of sick fucks he's been defending, but he is still manic-compulsively obsessed with winning over the truth (but, like House, I am now willing to give this show a whole season to develop it's characters).

Rating: 8.75 out of 10

Heroes

When I saw the first ads for this, my thoughts were "WOOO!! YEAHHH!!Gabbagabbasquee Adrian Pasdar is back on TV, and he's, like super-powered, and it's all about real-world abilities, and YEAHH!! WOOO!!! PURPLE!!! AWESOME!!!"

Then I saw the show.

I am so disillusioned with how television producers view comic books, if they seriously think that THAT is the pinnacle of the comic-to-television migration. The characters are LESS than one-dimensional, and with the exception of Hiro and SuperCheerleader, I actually sort of hope they all die in horrible, horrible ways. Hopefully soon. The dialogue is among the worst I have ever had the displeasure to listen to. True, the visuals and cinematography are really quite good (except for the wierd flying scene at the end, which should have had big glowing words flashing "LOOK! WIRES! Big wires! We're not even trying!") and the IDEAS are all great, but the show.... the show...

... the show needs to be rescued by a real superhero.

Rating: 3 out of 10, and a warning that it better improve, or drop to a 2.

Vanished

Please vanish. Please go away. Please stop clogging up the airwaves.

Rating: 0 out of 10.

Standoff

I had such high hopes for a show like this... I mean, it's Ron Livingston, and Gina Torres, and... and some redhead chick. Some of the dialogue is pretty good, but the premise of their job is going to wear thin very fast, and the chemistry was pretty much set out for the whole season five minutes out of the gate. As far as I can tell, every episode will be like the previous... a sort of a standoff with the viewers. Ron Livingston needs a role where his every-guy laconic awesomeness can shine, but this show is weighed down with too much drama, and not enough depth or entertainment. Sigh.

Rating: 5 out of 10. It could have gone all the way...

Jericho

I was truly stoked about this show, and I was so happy when I found out it would be aired on Space on Saturdays. Then I found out it also aired on Wednesdays on regular television, and so all the good parts were spoiled for me in my House forum. All in all, the show has a buttload of potential, but the first episode was... actually slow. For a movie about the nuclear apocalypse, it dragged on interminably. I give it four episodes to improve, or Skeet Ulrich may have to come off my Christmas card list.

Rating: 6.1 out of 10.

To sum it up... watch Shark, try Jericho, and spend the rest of the time watching Supernatural DVDs.

Music Review: Top Five Review - "Rock"

2006-03-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

I know, a lot of you are saying "But rock is metal, and metal is rock! What the hell is wrong with you, you beige-wearing retard?" Well, I'll tell you why... they're not the same. They're the same thing in the same way that orange is red. You can start with red, but you need to add other ingredients, and make fundamental changes to the structure, to get orange from red... and get metal from rock.

Rock is roots, and as such, it encompasses a much larger oevre of possibilities... thus, you're gonna see some wierd choices here. My advice to you: shut up, and let me do my thing here, ok? Ok. :)

Top Five Rock Albums

Not having many real "rock" albums myself growing up, these are fairly narrow choices. Most of you will be mad to not see Big Sugar on here, but the fact is, I didn't like any SINGLE album of theirs enough to pick just one. I like their entire CATALOGUE... spread out accross all their albums there is a ranbow of genius, but one color of a rainbow just isn't as impressive as the whole thing. So, lets begin!

Number Five --> The Presidents Of The United States Of America - Self Titled

That's right, all you metal-banging spike-wearers! PUSA! Chris Ballew, Mike Dederer, and Jason Finn... the peculiar trio with the two-string guitar, three-string bass, and a Junior Mini drum kit... put out my number five rock album of all time. With ten gallons of inspiration in a five gallon talent hat, this album attracted a cult following with a sound never really heard anywhere before. With some blues riffs, some heavy-metal riffs at the end, and the catchy, simple, but brilliant interplay between the bass and guitar, the music itself would be worthy of this award, but the true insane genius lies in the songs. Love songs about strippers, songs about dead frogs, car-enthusiast bugs, fruit, cats, nudity, candy, and geriatrics make this just about the most diverse, ludicrous, and satisfying records I've ever heard.

Number Four --> Clutch - Blast Tyrant

"Nuh uh, Mighty! Clutch is METAL!" Clutch is NOT! Clutch is ROCK! Some Clutch SONGS on some CLutch ALBUMS are metal, but these boys are rock... hard rock, grindy rock, stoner rock, but still rock, and this album, one of their more recent, is probably the best SINGLE album of theirs I have. Robot Hive / Exodus didn't really seem like Clutch to me... maybe Clutch Lite. Elephant Riders was a CLOSE second for this, followed by Transnational Speedway League... but Blast Tyrant takes it home. With their first two songs using acoustic guitar (heavy acoustic), as well as some randomly layered tracks with some guy speaking Polish, this was by far their most experimental album to date. Using a pipe organ to highlight some songs, Clutch lead Neil Fallon described this album as "a soundtrack to a movie that exists in my head". Indeed, the songs do seem to loosely follow some story about pirates, witches, death, life, and travelling wierdos... but who cares! With a huge, cohesive sound, I never get sick of this album, or any track on it.

Number Three --> Live - Throwing Copper

When the Great Scorer comes to write his definitive list of top albums of all time, this will be on there, guaranteed. One of the best things to come out of the entire alternative rock scene, Live's second album departed from the moody but upbeat theme of Mental Jewellery to create something totally different. Brilliant bass, a guitar permanently stuck in minor and flat chords, and songs ranging from dead bodies found in a creek to stalker-ish feelings of love and devotion, to death and birth, and other wonderfully depressing concepts. With amazing use of silence and noise, whispering and screaming, the whole album moves in waves from black to white, happy to sad, and drags the listener along with it. Loud enough to count as hard rock in places, but soft enough to still be alt, Live created this singular high point of the 90's.

Number Two --> Barenaked Ladies - Gordon

"Mighty, what the hell is WRONG with you? GORDON??" That's right, bitches... Gordon! BNL's debut album, which I got for Christmas when I was a kid, and listened to almost enough to wear out the tape before New Years. Seriously, on the 16 hour train-ride home, I listened to it the ENTIRE time, using up six batteries in my walkman, just flipping the tape over and over and over... Introducing me to lighter rock, as well as blues, jazz, and lyrics that weren't serious, BNL was the first real album to totally open me up to the world of music. With love songs that confused my 11-year-old hormones, funny songs that I didn't understand, and serious songs that sounded funny, it challenged me to develop and mature my musical aesthetic. All seriously talented musicians, singers, and songwriters, it was also the first album to make me think about drumming, and bass, and harmony... it was the first for a lot of things, and it's EARNED the number two spot. Which brings us to:

Number One --> Mayfield Four - Fallout

The number one rock album in my whole Universe by a huge long shot. I first heard this album when I was at college for the first time. I was playing Samurai Showdown IV, and I was doing pretty good, when Jon snuck up behind me and put headphones over my ears and ordered me to listen to this new album he'd just bought. Sure enough, the very first track had me completely hooked. I hade it through four songs, and the entire game, in a haze of heartfelt singing, lap steel, rock guitars and wizardly drumming. I had to wait a whole day to hear any more of it, but I listened to the album probably four times through, just laying on my bed with the speakers up, lost in a haze of genius. To this day, one of my biggest regrets is missing their show at UCC... Jon went, and sat at the bar with them after they were done their set. Myles, the lead singer, went on to form Alter Bridge with Creed after they kicked Scott "I'm Jesus" Stapp out, and thank God they did... Myles phenomenal natural singing talent blends very well with Creeds metal soul, but he'll always be the lead singer for the best god-damn band I've ever heard... Mayfield Four.

Well, now we're down to the songs... place your bets now!

Number Five --> Spacehog - In The Meantime

I don't remember where or how I heard this song first, but it's always stuck with me... the driving bass, the lilting guitar intro, the soaring voice singing heartfelt lyrics about something I still don't understand... I'm never sure what I feel about this song, or what it's about, or why it sounds like it was recorded through a wall of styrofoam, but it moves me to this day no matter how often I hear it. I have every Spacehog album, and although uniformly awesome, this song rises WAY above any other track... that rare stroke of godly awesome that strikes some bands struck them hard, and I'm glad it did.

Number Four --> Big Sugar - Dear Mr Fantasy

Sure, it's a cover song, but I didn't know that until a few months ago, so lick me. Gordie at his guitar-playing and emotionally-singing best. A wonderful blues song played on hard-rocking double-necked Gibsons, with the fluid bass, omnipresent harmonica / saxophone solos, this is music the way Canada intended it to be... toe-tapping, head-nodding, and all-around better than everyone elses. There's not much I can say about this song, really... it's awesome. Just awesome. Really awesome. I miss Gordie. :(

Number Three --> The Smalls - There's No Question

"Why do you like this song? It's not like the others on the CD..." My wife said this after I fell in love with this tract, the final track on To Each A Zone, and she was right. The Smalls were without a doubt the hardest thing to come out of Taber, ALberta since the mine closed, but I just didn't love all their stuff. Corby's hypnotic bass, playing lead as was intended by nature, completely makes this song. Starting off mournful with a bare minimum of drumming, and the meandering bass tune, you really, REALLY hear what the Smalls singer can do when he puts his mind to it. Always clear, sometimes not an asset for a hard-rocker, he totally does his best work on this song. Singing about how one can't give in to depression and despair, the song takes off near the end when the guitar comes in with a vengeance. For no single reason, this song makes it to my Number Three very easily, and it gives me hope that somewhere, someday, bass might be respected as an instrument by more than just hard-core annoying afficionados such as myself.

Number Two --> Tin Star - Head

Yup, this is unique. Making it all the way to number two, I first heard this song... on a television ad for the bands album. They only played about thirty seconds of the track, and most of it was muted to the announcer could babble on about them, but it gripped me. It was six years before I had the means to download this song, but SOMEHOW, the name of the song, the band, and that thirty-second tune stayed with me, and the first time I listened to it, in the computer lab at college with my headphones on, just sort of made everything else melt away. Progressive experimental electronica-rock, the guitars were so distorted as to almost sound like some sort of synchroniser. The drum beats were a mix of drum-machine and real-life, but the bass and guitar were all real people. Superb singing, strange lyrics about insanity and studying, this song was used in 'The Sixth Sense', and a few other movies, as well as a couple car commercials. Tin Star's biggest claim to fame was this song, and boy, they deserve it for this track. Although the rest of their stuff is a little too esoteric and experimental for my tastes, this song totally bridges the gap between electronica and rock for me. Kudos.

To anyone who knows me, or has a good sense of premonition from my list of albums, the number one song will not be a surprise.

Number One --> Mayfield Four - Overflow

A huge song, with three distinctly different parts, this track near the end of the album knocked me on my ASS the first time I heard it. Myles' voice soars to amazing heights with lyrics that still make me a little misty-eyed. With imaginative and deceptively simple guitar licks, and a surprisingly complex bass line, it starts off with Myles singing as deep and breathy as he can (the guy's got just inhuman singing range). At seven minutes, it's their longest song, and they just poured everything they had into it. I was told that this song got two full minutes of standing, screaming ovation at the live show... bastards. I must have listened to it a thousand times, and it was the first song I ever heard to inspire me to write... I still remember the exact scene from the exact story, and exactly how it goes, everytime I hear this track, when I'm not moved to reflection about how the song used to make me feel. I had to take it out of my mix-tapes, though, because it tended to make me absent-minded and overly-emotional when I was driving. Godly in all respects, this song shall likely remain my favorite song of all time, second to none, and possibly ever.

Music Review: Top Five Review - "Metal"

2006-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

This is my double-top-five review of Metal... Top Five Albums, and Top Five Songs. This might take me a bit, given the very, very, VERY large collection I have, but I figure this would give me something a bit out of the ordinary to post about. (Also, HOLY CRAP, two weeks since my cover song review? Wow!) Let's start this puppy off with...

Top Five Metal Albums

Starting with number five, I'll work my way down to number one in the traditional fashion.

Number Five --> Monster Magnet - Dopes To Infinity

I've reviewed this album before, in a previous post. I'll try to expand upon my review here, but start off by saying that Dopes to Infinity was packed to the absolute brim with thundering, rocking, well-layed guitars, marching-beat drum-lines, and the scream-tacular voice of Dave Wyndorf. That trademark cat-screech can still come accross as the definiton of hardcore nearly a decade later. Huge songs, most of them nothing more than guitar solos linked together with peculiar lyrics, make up half the album, paying far more attention to the rhythm section than most other metal bands. One gets the feeling of actually being submerged in guitars, rather than simply being surrounded. I have since discovered that this album's genre is actually "stoner metal", but these are just frivolous labels to me. It's all metal, and it's all good.

Number Four --> Metallica - S&M

Ok, this is a bit of a cheater cop-out, but the fact is I didn't like any single Metallica album ENOUGH to include it, whereas this album brings together the best versions of their best songs, so... bite me. I couldn't, in good conscience, do a heavy metal review and leave out Metallica... it just wasn't going to happen. S&M combined Metallica with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra in what had to be possibly the greatest Metallica concert since the Moscow Airport show. Many of Metallica's songs lend themselves extremely well to orchestration, particularly off of Load and The Black Album. Bleeding Me and The Outlaw Town, and perhaps One, benefitted the most from this treatment, and have enriched the lives of all true metal fans everywhere by lending credibility to the art. Now, if we could only get Hetfield to stop making albums...

Number Three --> Motorhead - Everything Louder Than Everyone Else

For a band with 23 studio albums, this was a hard pick... but the definitive double-live album will have to do. After all the struggle, the fame, the drugs, the egos, the quitting, this album brings everyone and everything back together, and shows us why no-one but Motorhead can claim to have been anywhere near the beginning of heavy metal. One is reminded of the poingant riddle posited in "Empire Records":

"Who would win in a fight, Lemmy or God?"
"Uh... Lemmy?"
"Wrong!"
"No, I mean God!"
"Trick question, asshole! Lemmy IS God!"

The brilliant guitar, one of the greatest rock drummers in history, and Lemmy's inimicable voice and poingant, angry, dirty, and surprisingly deep lyrics... it's Motorhead. The only reason they didn't make it to Number One is a personal choice... call me a phillistine, but the contemporaries have just edged them out.

Number Two --> Deftones - White Pony

This hurt, since I had all three major-label Deftones albums on my short-list, including Around The Fur and Detones (Self-titled). I also wanted to put the B-Sides & Rarities album on here, but since it's not original music (or at least co-written), I didn't feel it was really a Deftones effort. Even so, White Pony just edged out the others to make it to our Number Two spot. Regarded by many to be their most polished and mature album, 2000's White Pony made it to #3 on the billboard charts, the first good nu-metal band to get that high since Korn (although both bands eschew the title of 'nu-metal'). With several songs from my short-list of favorite tracks, White Pony is probably the pinnacle of the entire new metal movement... with the possible exception of individual albums, the entire metal scene has been descending into mankiness ever since then... but we'll always have this album, with guest vocals on two tracks by progressive metal prophet Maynard Keenan.

This now brings us to the number one spot. I've spent the past hour messing around with my song collection, wracking my brain, trying to think of the metal album I like best... which is difficult, since everytime I think I settle on one, I feel bad for not picking another. There's all these voices in my head saying "But Clutch isn't METAL, are they? Hey, you can't put the Deftones on there twice... dude, you don't like Seether THAT much..." It wasn't easy... it was painful... I think I'm bleeding from more than three orifices... but here we go. My number one, the one album that has had more influence on me than any other:

Number One --> The Crow - Official Soundtrack

I hear booing, don't I? The fact is, this one album introduced me to just about every sort of music I like now. It had Nine Inch Nails, mixing Trenty's computer wizardry with metal guitars... it had Pantera doing a little speed-thrash... it had Rollins Band belting out a song about a homocidal superhero... a dozen bands with a dozen styles, all of them loud (and two quiet tracks by Violent Femmes and Jane Sibbery, the Femmes "Color Me Once" among my favorites on this album). I listened to this one album for probably a year straight with everything I did. To this day, I HAVE to play X-Com to this album, just because it was the album I had on EVERY time I played. It introduced me to "goth" music, to "stoner rock", to "speed metal", and just about everything that I love today, as well as an appreciation for the eperimental side of heavy metal. My Number One Favorite Movie Of All Time brought me my Number One Favorite Metal Album Of All Time... I don't know what that says about me, but if you don't agree, then go write your OWN blog and stop whining. *smack*

Top Five Metal Songs

This might be a little bit harder for me to do, since whereas I have dozens of favorite albums, I have HUNDREDS of favorite songs. HUNDREDS!! Gyyahhh!!! Even so, I've got my short-list... so it's time to get out the chainsaw and start carving this down. Don't like at me like that... you can carve with a chainsaw...

Number Five --> Filter - Hey Man, Nice Shot

First heard on the all-station late-night program "Overnight", this song dogged me for MONTHS! Eventually I found myself staying up until three AM with my sister's tape-recorder stereo just to get this song onto a tape so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. This was pre-Crow, this was pre-Soundgarden... hell, this was pre-Metallica, for me. This was my first taste of metal... and I LIKED it! With his amazingly expressive screaming and grinding guitars, this was like nothing I had heard on daytime radio, or "Pussy FM", as I like to call it. By a long shot the best song Filter has ever put out, this made it to the top of the metal-pile just through virtue of longevity and influence. Over a decade later, and this is still one of my favorite hard songs.

Number Four --> Clutch - Guild of Mute Assassins

By any and all regards this was most definitely NOT a hit song, but by any and all regards it was wierd, even by Clutch standards. A peculiar bit of distorted storytelling, this song has a straightforward but pervasive marching-drum beat, and perhaps one of the greatest seven-minute guitar leads ever. Although distorted almost beyond recognition, the real power and tune comes through if you can get this song onto speakers powerful enough to handle it. The song's obvious premise is a secretive group of assassins who forfeit their humanity to belong, and to kill... kill anyone. The chorus is powerful enough to lift your heart, with Neil's growly voice at it's best, despite the material he has to work with being hardly the type of thing to bring a smile to your lips. For not trying to make a hit song, and just trying to make a GREAT song, this one, a Clutch rarity, makes it all the way to number four.

Number Three --> Metallica - The Outlaw Torn

Another unpopular Metallica track, this song capped the much-maligned Load album. At 9:58 in length, it's the longest Metallica song ever (although with the long fade-in and fade-out, it's arguable). Song length has never equated greatness, though... which is why we must move on to the middle of the song. With a haunting bass & guitar tune, both very understated, and a tricky but memorable drum line, the song relies on mood, and Hetfield's voice, to carry the message of loss, love, and loneliness. The lyrical poetry gets very moody, almost emo, far more than most other heavy metal bands would dare to go, but Hetfield, the Cowboy from Hell, can pull it off. With two long, rambling, and powerful guitar interludes, the incredible length of this song is needed to fully convey the feelings expressed. The last great Metallica song, it didn't need power, or distortion, or speed, or crashing drums... it just needed skill and talent, and it proved that the band still had it.

Number Two --> Deftones - Be Quiet And Drive

It was so hard to pick ONE Deftones song again, since I have their entire catalogue... but I had to go with this one. I think it was the first Deftones song I ever heard, and it's stuck with me. Never relying on easy or conventional chord construction, this heavily-distorted guitar-driven symphony has almost imperceptible note changes, seeming to flow back and forth between melody, verse, and chorus in an entirely new, organic way. With a bare minimum of lyrics (54 words, not counting individual lines being repeated), you'd think that this song wouldn't have the emotional punch to make it to the penultimate position, but Chino, as always, conveys what he needs with a combination of minimalist and saturation... in this case, minimalist words and a saturation of layered, symphonic guitar work. It's hard to say exactly what he's saying with this song, but the fundamental message is loud and clear: getting away. Getting out of town, getting out of a relationship, and just driving, being free... the freedom message that metal has championed since the beginning.

And now we're at my Number One Metal Song Of All Time. Just like above, I'm having some problems narrowing it down to ONE... I mean, I've got about 1100 heavy metal songs on my machine. And I gotta pick ONE! ONE!!! Ack! But here goes....

Number One --> American Head Charge - To Be Me

You weren't expecting that, were you? This song caught me out of left field, too... I heard AHC on Tundra Trash one day, and I thought it was pretty good. I got their music, and I thought some of it was pretty awesome, and some of it was quite mediocre. This song, though, just floored me... it was PERFECT! It was a strange, almost celestian convergence of skill, talent, inspiration, and opportinuty that this song made it onto their album. The lyrics are almost perfect for heavy metal, the guitar is a roaring, raging demon of sound, and the quiet, almost childish piano tune that leads the song in and out is the perfect complement. The bass is almost drowned out, but it plays its part backing up the guitar, and the drumming, as with all AHC songs, is way above average. While not a brilliant song, sometimes brilliance can simply be superceded with truth, which elevates this song to my own personal #1 spot.

There. I'm done. My hands are tired...

Music Review: Wierd Cover Songs

2006-02-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

In recent years, the Cover Song has become sort of it's own genre of music. Bands such as Me First and the Gimme Gimmes or individuals such as Richard Cheese have made careers (or just side-jobs) as cover artists. Richard Cheese does piano lounge covers of rock, metal, and rap songs, such as Nine Inch Nails "Closer" and Kelis' "Milkshake", as well as the brilliantly placed "Down With The Sickness" by Disturbed, which made perhaps the most surreal horror scene in recent years in the new Dawn of the Dead movie. Me First is actually composed of famous punk singers from OTHER bands, who just do whatever song strikes their fancy, from Simon & Garfunkel, to the Gilligans Island Theme Song, to Van Morrison. They've developed a minor cult following, and soon will have to start touring just to keep the fans happy.

Others, though, just do the odd cover song and throw it in with their own original material. Few are as well known as Johnny Cash's recent three: Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt", Soundgarden's "Rusty Cage", and U2's "One". All three can be considered superior to the originals (although maybe a tie with "Hurt). I'd like to take some time to shine a light on some lesser-known cover classics.

Ben Folds Five - Bitches Ain't Nothing ... A cover of the Dr. Dre / NWA song about dating hookers, the piano-lead college-rockers lend a deeply disturbing tone to this song. With his soulful voice and lilting keys, Ben Folds doesn't make the crude lyrics sound the slightest bit forced (which is understandable, given that he swears profusely throughout his normal popular up-beat rock songs). Rap covers are becoming more common these days.

Deftones - No Ordinary Love ... One of the greatest progenitors of the Nu-Metal movement, the California-based Deftones were an obvious choise for a hip-hop song. Lead singer Chino Mareno's raspy, throaty, almost falsetto voice was meant for poetry, as three critically-acclaimed albums will attest to, but when you take away the thundering guitars, driving bass, and brilliant drumming, you're still left with a butt-load of talent. This cover of the romantic urban ballad by Sade fits absolutely perfectly with Chino's style of nervous anger and repressed emotion. Which makes the next review even stranger.

Deftones - Simple Man ... That's right, the Lynyrd Skynyrd southern rock hit, as covered by California's own alt-metal gods. They abandon their own crashing guitars, though, in favor of a more subdued and more faithful guitar rendition of the classic song, and Chino's voice hits heights of smoothness and soul rarely seen in his own music. If not better than the original, it has been perfectly adapted to the current generation, and the message of life-long happiness is not lost in the translation.

Big Sugar - Let It Ride ... A Canadian blues-rock cover of a Canadian rock song? More interesting than it sounds! Gordie Johnson's guitar commands a whole lot more attention than any of the instrumentation of the original song, but it never drowns out the lyrics, and the marching-beat riffs seem to make you want to hop in a car and let it ride, too. A perfect choice for the hard-rocking funky-blues white-boy guitar god from the praries.

Metallica - Turn The Page ... Perhaps the greatest Metallica song in recent years, this heavy-metal take of the soulful Bob Seger classic of the loneliness of the road seems to take the whole world away (if you have enough power in your sub-woofer... this song has BASS!) Hetfield's voice gets its first decent workout in years, and they remembered what song gave them their first taste of ultra-fame... the quiet, restrained, angry and lonely metal guitar and the huge, almost operatic sound of the entire band working together. God, I love this song.

Foo Fighters - Baker Street ... Well-distorted through old-style tube-amps, this song is not changed too too much from the original. It's louder, it's heavier, but for a relatively simple cover, the Foos make it sound like their own. There's not much I can say to this, other than I appreciate it when a band takes the time to cover a song that they can pull off... which brings us to perhaps my favorite.

Mayfield Four - Inner City Blues ... There's not many rock bands with the balls to cover Marvin Gaye, let alone one of Marvin's lesser known works, let alone have the vocal talent to pull the whole thing off. The voice sounds errily identical to that 70's soul legend, but the lap-steel and rock bass give the song a more angry, less despairing feel. It gives you a sense of hope, rather than a sense of failed familiarity, and thats something a great cover should do: be the same song, with the same words, and the same music, and yet come accross so different, because the band has made it it's own.

Holiday Review: Valentines Day

2006-02-13T18:28:00.000-08:00

Also known as "Singles Awareness Day", Valentines Day (or St. Valentines Day) is the holiday in which people are morally obligated to purchase presents for those they love, in order to more succinctly drive home the fact that they are not worth presents at any other time of the year. The Wikipedia article on Valentines Day itself has, unfortunately, been completely expunged of any factual truth dating after the early 1900's, in a storm-trooper assault of corporate article-editing, so I'm going to have to find other credible sources here.

My main source is my good friend Khonsu, who has the following to say on the matter:

FUCK! Am I the only person who HATES getting Valentine's GIFTS? Being given a V-day gift is like saying to your partner "Here, I care only about nationally recognized days to show affection because otherwise you won't fuck me tonight and I won't have anything to brag about on the 15th." Am I the only woman that enjoys sex for SEX instead of just "rewarding" my "faithful and loyal" for not fucking up? Seriously--I ALREADY HAVE A DOG, I DON'T NEED TWO. The only begging my partner should do is if a ninja jumps into our bedroom and threatens to play Raffi at 78RPM on an old record player every time I orgasm. "No, please, no more Bananaphone." THAT'S IT.

Everything Vlad (her boyfriend) wants? He gets. Everything I want? I get. See how NICELY that works out?

That pisses me off about a lot of women--they treat men like dogs, literally, dogs. The only logic I can see behind this is that most women are bitches, so I guess the only proper fucking they can get is from a sire.

Fuck teddy bears. Fuck chocolate. Fuck stupid, girly schmaltzy bullshit and FUCK HALLMARK, TOO!

FUCK ME.

Isn't she just precious?

Of course, since my wife doesn't feel this way, I have to go out and buy her some candy and flowers right now. Excuse me.

Television Review: Childrens Programming Part II

2006-01-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

I'm back, and so are a whole new host of unholy childrens entertainment enemas. Some of them are good, some of them are bad, and some of them are really bad, and some of them give "bad" a bad name, but one this is for sure: they do exist, and that's the saddest thing of all. Onto the reviews!

Pocoyo

I first heard this show before I saw it. I was intrigued by the introduction music, which is horribly catchy. Soon I was forced to watch this breathy little three-year old big-headed compuclaymation kid and his anthropomorphic friends have silly little adventures. Obviously influenced in form and style by anime, Pocoyo is narrated by one of my heroes, Stephen Fry, also known as General "Insanity" Melchett. Pocoyo is an exceedingly cute character, as are all of his friends. The animation is top-notch, the musical score is soothing, and the voices are not irritating. It's a silly little show with no true educational merit, but it's something I don't actually mind watching with ym son, if only to impart some sense of animation style and culture. This show actually gets a 7.9 out of 10.

Hi-5
When they introduce the "guys" on this show, you can almost hear the song from Brain Candy... "I'm gay, I'm gay! He's gay, he's gay!" This show is just creepy... they take five attractive youngsters in the peak of their physical beauty, and at the peak of their post-pubescent raging hormones, and make them frolick around in silly costumes on stage to entertain children. You just know that the after-parties for their shows are bacchanals of drugs, booze, and pixie sticks. To start off, the show is needlessly loud. Their singing skills, which are actually considerable, are usually drowned out by having them sing chorus-style to feet-thumping rhythms which were produced with the "Hit Song" button on a producers keyboard. The skits are strangely meaningless, the acting is god-awful (stop staring at the CAMERA!!!) and the entire show is designed to give kids the physiological signs of a sugar rush, without the actual sugar, resulting in an inexplicable addiction to brightly colored pleather pants and cowboy hats. And that's just the boys. For lowering the standards of normal children everywhere, Hi-5 gets a 1 out of 10.

Bearenstein Bears
The freaking Bearenstain Bears. No more am I allowed to go to sleep without hearing the accursed theme song to this plot-anvil atrocity of a morality injection. The most unrealistically functional family in the Universe shows us that you can be hugely popular no matter how strange you are, that every single trouble you encounter as a child can be solved with a fortune-cookie platitude, and that every day ends with a family more in love with itself than the day before. The sugary-sweet hammer to your forehead reminds you every day that families on TV are better than yours. The animation is good, the music was all right the first eight hundred times I heard that damn violin, but that's where the goodness ends. I hate this show. I hate this show so very, very much. But, it isn't truly BAD, so I am forced to give it a 3 out of 10.

Toopy and Binoo
The story of a sexually confused mouse and his asexual stuffed speechless feline life-partner and their adventures, quite literally, in storybooks. Told with nonstop giggling, the click-and-stretch cel animation is smoothly done, and the voices are pretty good, and there's enough peculiarities in an episode to amuse my brain, but it's still most definitely a show for kids who aren't old enough to find something childish. Often found cross-dressing, wearing lipstick, or just generally wishing he were a princess, Toopy acts out parts from popular storybooks to catchy little piano riffs, while his mute feline companion (who, I have to admit, is really cute) does wierd little asides in the background. It was an effort at a show for little kids that adults could get a chuckle out of now and then, and it mostly worked. 6.75 out of 10

4-Square
This conceptual nightmare of a show is broken into four segments. One: an early twenties psychology student (just guessing) looks at the camera and with a secretive grin on her face that seems to say, "I'm not wearing underwear," she recites a limerick or song or poem. Then a little girl comes and sits next to her, and they go through it together. That's it. Two: The Four Tones, all dressed in green, sing doo-wah songs with the Doo-Wahs, four puppets as shown above. The kids are urged to "Do what the Doo Wahs do!" While the creepy black guy, the creepy Irish girl, and the two 'other' Four Tones sing along, the Doo Wahs make little motions until it's their turn to sing. It grates, but it's good music. Three: Captain Hup and his Stretchy Communist Balet Dancers frolick around, making wierd positions with their bodies while the audience tries not to stare at Captain Hup's amazingly unnecessary codpiece. Four: Four hiply-dressed urban teenagers (three black, and one redhead girl) make silly noises and robotic dance motions in turn, then all together, and most of them are usually racially offensive to three of the four members of this troupe. I ain't saying anything. The show is colorful, lacks a soundtrack, and is shot entirely on one of four solid-color backgrounds. Even Sebby is bored of this show now. 2 out of 10

Big Comfy Couch
Starring the extremely-well-known but hardly-famous Alyson Court, voice of Jubilee in just about every X-Men cartoon, Big Comfy Couch is a strange form of entertainment. Starring exclusively people over the age of 30, it's about a 'little girl clown' named Loonette. She lives on a gigantic couch, which is meant to reduce her to childlike proportions. She has Molly, her puppet, and her Granny Garbanzo (played by the awesomely named Grindl Kuchuka), the postman Major Bedhead (who rides a unicycle well!) and her Auntie Macassar (for those who don't know, an antimacassar is a kind of colorful woven blanket thingie). There are actual plots to these shows, even if they are simplistic. The one that sticks in my memory is where Loonette has some sort of heavy-metal throwdown while singing "I"M MAD!" while flames lick at the screen. I kid you not. That made all the silly episodes so very, very worthwhile. The show isn't condescending, the people radiate friendliness, and the morality-anvils are bearable. There's even interludes with her dolls (who are played by normal people wearing gigantic fuzzy heads) and the Dust Bunnies Under The Couch (who are just sooo CUTE). All in all, this is a strange offering, and I like it. 7.2 out of 10.

Dragon
This bizarre claymation show stars a simple-minded blue dragon, named Dragon. His friends are all as equally cleverly named, except Mailmouse, who has an extra word thrown in there. Dragon spends his days trying to hide the fact that he is mildly retarded, but when he brings a snowman into his house, opens the windows, turns off the heat, and then moves outside into the snow, you can't help but feel a little sorry for the network that is exploiting him. His adventures are brief and silly, and are actually made up of four or five segments, so that an individual segment can be stuck between full-length shows on Treehouse as filler. There's nothing wrong with this show, but nothing amazingly right. It's cute, though.... so 5 out of 10.

Farzzle's World
Ugh. My brain. Although conceptually pretty neat, this show just bugs the hell out of me. The entire soundtrack is composed of stock sound bits of wind, and brooms, and stuff... except for Farzzle himself. His bits are actually sounds recorded from a little tiny baby, and the gibberish is used as the basis for the show. Farzzle plays with flying brooms, gets sucked up into bubbles, flies through space, and does other batshit random stuff to the endlessly-replayed sounds of a baby's oohs, ahhs, and giggles. It's crudely animated (ostensibly on purpose) and, despite that, there's about 90 people in the credits. This show is purposeless, and even my son doesn't really watch it anymore. 2 out of 10

Mighty Machines

This show I don't really mind, since it's pretty much purely educational. It's footage of machines doing what they do, but they're voiced over as if the machines themselves were talking. Awful accents and corny dialogue make it utterly hilarious to watch, as evidenced by the fact that I can drawl out "Ohhh, Kubota!" in a thick Irish brogue and send my entire family into fits of giggles. Thanks to this show, my son knows about skid-steer loaders, underground salt mining machines, combine harvesters, tree barkers, and dozens of vehicles and machines even I don't know the names of. It also helps him get a grasp for engines and mechanics, stuff I still don't totally get. I'm for this show, since it entertains my son (it's one of his favorites!) and teaches him non-stop. 9.1 out of 10

Literary Review: The Selected Works Of Dean Koontz

2006-01-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

Overview

I'd just like to start off by saying that I do not advocate the reading of all or indeed any of Dean Koontz's books. As with any potentially harmful substance, research and careful application must be used, and even then it is best not to do it alone. If you have any doubts, please leave it to the professionals, as permanent damage may result. The following reviews have been compiled after the experiences of reading actual Dean Koontz books with my own eyes, without the proper precautions being taken. You have been warned. The books are being reviewed roughly in the order that I read them.

Intensity
I bought this book for a buck at a thrift store when I was young, maybe 14 or 15. It had a brightly colored title, and big jagged letters, and talked about murderers, so I figured I'd give it a try. I was hooked pretty much right away, because at the time, the breathless writing and harried pace seemed perfectly suited to the plot. However, I now understand that this is exactly how he writes everything. However, this is one of his earlier books, and the writing is not noticed as sharply as his later work. I'll stick to the strict book review for now. This is a fairly good book, with a moderately believable heroine, and an awesomely portrayed psycho (ably played by John C "Dr Cox" McGinley in the TV movie!) I recommend this book for young readers who are looking for something that won't make them think too hard, and who want advice on how to accurately write someone with a vastly different personality to your own. Rating... 7.3 out of 10

Mr. Murder
I bought this book for a few dollars right after readong Intensity, my first Koontzian experience. The back of it made it look promising, and I have to say, I was not disappointed. The writing was excellently controlled, and Koontz's zealous overuse of plot anvils and synonyms in rapid staccato was reigned in and replaced with a hushed, suspenseful prose. Although the plot was largely lifted from Stephen King's "The Dark Half", the mysticism was replaced with science fiction remarkably well. The repeated encounters, the chase, the villains, the main antagonist, and the protagonists are all remarkably well-written, and considering this is not a science-fiction writer, it did not devolve into pointless technological ramblings. He stuck to what he knew, and it worked out very well. To this day, my favorite Koontz book. I actually recommend this one. 8.9 out of 10

Lightning
Space Nazis! Wait, wait... sorry... getting ahead of myself here. Let me start over. I got this book from my mom, who at the time was rebuilding a sizeable murder-mystery collection again. Dipping again into science fiction slightly, Koontz actually comes up with a little-used plot twist, and places it well in the book. At the time, I was shocked by it, although I've seen it used a few more times since then. Another tough, self-sufficient female lead with a tragic past overcomes her fears and kicks some ass, despite the craziness of the world around her (Koontz will use this 512 more times before the decade is out, so keep reading!) Space Nazi and All-American Hero alternately try to kill her and save her, in order to either destroy the world, or.... do absolutely nothing to it. The ending is fairly unsatisfactory, but the middle is pretty good. The writing is also reigned in, although I can see he busted out his new "Super-Duper Thesaurus" to come up with as many synonyms as possible for 'loud', 'dark', 'night', and 'scared'. Congratulations. 5.1 out of 10

Dragon Tears
Disclaimer: Avoid this book at all costs. Don't even try to pick it up. Back away. Mr Koontz was writing three books at the same time, and somehow all the words fell out of his computer and got jumbled on the floor. The result was this painfully overwrought muder-mystery-psychobabble with a strong female character who overcomes her tragic past to trimph over evil, or some shit, along with a grizzled but kind-hearted police officer who abhors the use of violence to defeat some evil little kid. I don't know why they published this, it clearly wasn't finished. 2.5 out of 10, just for the macabre thrill of reading something this startlingly bad.

Watchers
With a plot lifted largely from Stephen King's 'Cujo', a good super-dog and a bad super-dog square off in a battle for global supremacy at a secluded farmhouse, where a strong male lead overcomes his tragic past to trimph over adversity. There's really not much more I can say about this. A military experiment gone bad results in a good super-dog, a bad super-dog.... and.... stuff happens. This book was my first introduction to just how bad Mr Koontz can write. It's written with the same breathless desire to express how COOL something is that my three-year old son uses, and it takes about the same amount of time to get through a single run-on sentence. Put down the Thesaurus, Mr Koontz. Down... downn..... good boy. 2.1 out of 10

PhantomsI must admit that I saw the movie first, and this movie has become one of my all-time favorites. Not because of the plot, which is fairly hackneyed (like everything is these days) but because of the cast, and the cinematography, and the acting... all actually first-rate. The monster is fairly creative, Peter O'Toole is awesome, especially when he yells "It's a pretty tough FUCKING customer!" I read the book after, and my experience may have been colored by the movie. The book is fairly good, although the over-wrought writing and the almost laughable use of synonyms can grate after a while. For a better experience, I recommend watching the movie first, to make the book easier to swallow (although, really, why eat a really good steak just before eating a really bad steak?) Even so, see the movie. It's worth it. The movie gets an 8.8 out of 10, and the book gets a 4 out of 10, if only for inspiring the movie.

Winter Moon
An evil presense squeezes through a time-space hole for some reason, and a family nearby in a secluded farmhouse overcome their tragic past to trimph over evil, with their psychic-for-no-real-reason son. I've just given you the whole book. Walk away. Just walk away. 1 out of 10

Odd Thomas
There was probably a three-year gap between reading Winter Moon, and reading Odd Thomas. I got it for a buck at Value Village, because the cover art looked intriguing, and it was getting pretty rave reviews from publications I normally respect. I read a few pages at the front, and was impressed with the writing, and the skill, and the pace, so I bought it, along with the book in the following review. I was hooked after a few pages, and I was wholly impressed with the first half of the novel. Although lifted largely from 'The Sixth Sense', the basic premise was pretty good, and the characterization was first-rate. The plot took a bit to get going, but once it did... it stopped again. This, and the next two books I review, among Koontz's three most recent, all have the exact same problems going for them (at least, they all share these): Mr Koontz can't end a book. The plot vanished, the pacing died a horrible death, nothing was explained, fate was questioned and blamed, and then the words just sort of petered out, and I was left sitting on the couch, holding the closed book, thinking "Well, he could have at least finished the book before publishing it." For starting off as awesomely impressive, he gets a couple kudos, but for the ending, his final score works out to a 6.1 out of 10. Read if you have nothing better to do.

From The Corner Of His Eye
This book started off just like Odd Thomas. The writing was, for the first few pages, reigned in and subtle. Pretty soon, it became the absolute worst example of his inability to control the "Word Search" function on his computer. Although Enoch Cain quickly became one of my favorite literary psychos, the writing and the utterly staggering number of main characters combined to give me a pounding headache and a profound sense of joy everytime someone got killed off. Although the entire novel centers around the idea that "If you do good, good things will come back to you, and if you do bad, bad things will come back to you", the only consistent message is that "You can get your head blown off at any time, or maybe die of sudden cancer, so being good doesn't really mean squat". In the end, it all comes down to magic children poking holes in the Universe, and the original message was lost forever in one of these paralell realities. With luck, there is a universe where this book never saw the light of day. The ending was staggeringly bad, and so disjointed that I skipped the last few pages out of sheer boredom. Right after I finished this book I got sick, and I'm not entirely sure it was the fault of the germs. 1.7 out of 10

The Taking
This was it. This was the last Koontz book I will ever read (unless I re-read Mr Murder, or Phantoms). This one actually started off bad, and went quite quickly downhill. Setting new records for obfuscating the plot, not answering questions, leaving giant plot holes, and just generally having no purpose whatsoever, The Taking ranks up there with The Eye Of Argon for disjointed language, scatter-brained messages, and purebred stupidity. There's no way I can finish this review with family-friendly language, so I'll sum it up with a 0.1 out of 10

I need to go lay down.

Cuisine Review: Beef Stroganoff

2006-01-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

Those wacky Russians. The one thing in the world they should feel justifiably superior about, and they ignore it in favor of "We have nukes", "We invented Vodka", and "We won the Cold War and gave Hollywood a cheap and easy villain". Come on, comrades! Beef Stroganoff! Let's analyze it.

Beef - By itself, this is a good meal
Noodles - Ok, we're starting to see something great being formed
Sour Cream - Getting better, though slightly wierd looking
Onions - Normally I hate these.
Mushrooms - Normally I really hate these
Garlic - My favorite plant.

Ok, so thats four things I like, and two things I hate. Much like Sushi (forthcoming review), though, this mixture becomes greater than the sum of it's parts. Hamburger Helper, the bottom rung of Stroganoffocity, is still pretty damn good. My home-made kind is even better. My wife's vegetarian Stroganoff (this is so difficult to say) is delicious. At the top of the pyramid, the apex of Stroganoff, is my wife's dad's recipe. To this day, it is almost delicious enough to entice me to ask him to marry me... of course, that would lead to gunshot wounds, so I refrain.

So come on, you Red buggers! Say it once, and say it loud! We're Stroganoff, and we're proud! (That sounds so dirty when you say it with an accent)

9 out of 10

Biology Review: The Common Fucking Cold

2006-01-22T21:43:00.000-08:00

*snnrrkkkk* That's right. I'm here to review one of the most annoying conditions on the planet. The common cold, also known as "acute nasopharyngitis", is a mild viral infectious disease of the nose and throat, but it can also cause inflammation of the ear canals as well as various symptoms involving the eyes. This pretty much covers the head holes, as most humans have them. The virus is nothing if not thorough. The average human can kick one on three to five days... me, usually three, and Throkky, usually five.

More than five kinds of common cold virus, with several hundred specific varieties, exist, which explains why medicine to combat it is so often very useless, as you would require various fluid samples to determine WHICH kind of virus it is. Expensive tests. It is much easier, and less expensive, and more convenient, to simply treat the symptoms, which is why I am currently seeing the world through a fuzzy haze of ibuprophen, pseudoephedrine, and key lime pie (fuck you all, pie makes me feel better).

The common cold costs the American economy alone $7.7 billion dollars in downtime, and many more billions worldwide. In Canada, though, as well as traditionally 'colder' European nations, the rate per capita of colds versus the rate of missed days are lower, perhaps due to our "It's just a cold" mentality. Of course, this means that, thanks to people toughing it out, someone in my office has had a cold since November. It's sort of a Canadian roulette... "Ok, who gets the cold THIS week... iiiiiits.... CHRIS! Hooray!"

The cold has been identified in ancient Egypt, Greece, and the Mayan and Incan civilizations, and everywhere the treatments were mixtures and concoctions that sped up the metabolism, and made you sweat, as well as naturally occuring antinflammatories and decongestants, usually high in natural sugars and spices. Everytime I get sick, I head for the orange juice and spicy foods, so maybe there's something to these natural cures. Extra Strong Honey Garlic Teryaki ribs make me feel better, that's all I'm saying.

Anyways, for being a tough little bugger, and not giving up, even though the cold viruses outnumber us a billion to one, I give the common cold a 7. Keep it up, little guys... *snnrrrkkk*

Game (P)Review: Colonization II (2007)

2006-01-18T11:50:00.000-08:00

This is a review of a game which doesn't exist, but if there is any justice in this Universe (and occaisionally there is), then I'll be able to get this game for Father's Day in 2007. The sequel to the hugely popular "Colonization", a spin-off from Sid Meier's record-shattering Civilization series, this game expands upon the solid gameplay the first installment offered.

Colonization was a place for Sid Meier to experiment with different formats, like his other popular spin-off, "Alpha Centauri". Without risking the Civilization franchise, he was able to play around with different methods of combat, government, and city management in both of these games, coming up with some truly innovative and brilliant ideas. Colonization II uses everything he's learned in his many games to bring you the ultimate empire-building experience.

With a frontier government type similar to the Alpha Centauri "Social Engineering" system, players will be able to mix and match how their empire is run from a variety of choices in a variety of fields, from Economy, to Personal Freedoms, to Military. Although Colonization II takes place in a very narrow timeframe and it does not include the "Technology Tree" feature, there will be ways to advance the technological skill of your empire. A dozen "Milestones" can be reached, each one adding slightly to the abilities and properties of your units, and cities. You can also still elect members of your Continental Congress, each one bringing considerable power to the table. Furthermore, some of these Congressmembers are playable units! They can lead your armies, inspire your population in person, or act as diplomats between you and the other foreign powers, or the potent force of the Natives.

The Natives have also been revamped and improved in Colonization II. Whereas in the first game they were merely obstacles and never a real threat, the indigenous nations of America are now forces to be reckoned with. They take as well as give, and can make or break your bid to win self-determination for your immigrants. The French still deal with them better, and the Spanish still deal with them... in their own manner, but both will find the Natives will now no longer acept six dollars for a boatload of cotton... at least, after the first time they get ripped off.

Borders, religious uprisings, slavery and emancipation, diseases, harsh winters and the allmighty Declaration and War of Independence all combine to create a rich, deep gameplay to rival any of the Civilization franchine. You listening, Sid? I want this game.

9.75 out of 10.

Holiday Review: Christmas

2006-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

I have extremely mixed feelings towards this holiday, so an objective review will be difficult. I'm going to try and lump the positive and negative aspects into groups, so it'll be easier to deal with them.

Positives:

Brings family together
A time to get presents
Better-than-average movies on TV
Better food for a few weeks

Negatives

Brings family together
Going broke buying presents
Severe interruption of normal television schedule
Force-fed advertisments for toys most kids don't really want
Branded-commercialism hard to avoid
Prices skyrocket for extremely cheap items, such as cards
Brings family together
Small children tend to become slightly more irrational
Still millions of people don't get any good food or presents
Now at the age where I don't really get presents, either

It's easy to see where I stand on the idea of Christmas. It's an artificial holiday hijacked from the pagans, ostensibly about Jesus but arguably more about Santa, a pagan figure, and presents, an American tradition. In the 'old countries', it was just a time to exchange food and small trinkets for children, and to observe several fun pagan practices, like singing carols and hanging stockings for sprites to fill with goodies. Unfortunately, we're not at the point where the holiday, and the spending, are inextricably linked. The Western world shuts down for an entire week in order to make this money more economically lucrative than almost any other two months combined.

True, it is almost the only time my family gets together, but as you can see, this is mentioned three times in the above two categories. Lately, since I live out of town, our get-togethers are much more pleasant, but still very tiring, particularly for my grandma (who is now moving into a seniors care facility, at the age of 90).

In summation: I don't know where I was going with this. Very few people know what Christmas is about, slightly more know what Christmas has become, but only a tiny fraction are able to go against the flow. It's part of our culture, and soon we won't even know why, except when we get our credit card bills and wonder what came over us.

Movie Review: Nothing

2005-12-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

Tagline: "No, seriously... where did everyone go?"

Made by the writer, director, producer, and a significant chunk of the cast of the indue cult favorite "Cube", Nothing heads in the direct opposite direction. Instead of gripping psychodrama and unrelenting tension about a bizarre, inexplicable alien environment, this movie is all about the gripping psychodrama and goofy insanity of a bizarre, inexplicable alien environment. 90% of the movie is simply the two characters, Dave and Andrew, talking back and forth, while wandering through the Nothing, or through Andrew's AWESOME house. Fun fact: no scrap of internal wall is shown in the movie, since EVERY wall surface is covered with SOMETHING.

It would have been hard to make a movie where half the shots take place in a white void, and yet with skillful storyboarding and cinematography, you barely even notice the monotony. You're focusing everything on the two main characters, watching them slowly go crazy, go sane, go crazy, go sane, and then crazy again. As with Cube, the void is never explained. Why they can breathe is never explained. Why the floor of the void is bouncy like Tofu is never explained (although the characters try, with hilarious results).

If you like movies that can just be summed up as "peculiar", and which you're fairly certain most of your friends wouldn't understand, then rent Nothing.

8.75 out of 10. If you like the wierd shit, this is a must-have.

Movie Review: Team America, World Police

2005-12-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

My inner child almost pooped himself with this one.

Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the avant garde of immature high-brow toilet humor, bring us this Supermarionation commentary about the state of American politics. The strange thing is, they don't seem to pick sides. Apart from the World Police faction itself, the movie makes fun of the Right and the Left equally, bashing Republican values, and then bashing Michael Moore. It's refreshing.

The movie itself has a paper-thin plot, but that's ok, because you're not here for the plot. It makes fun of itself almost as much as it makes fun of the world, with great horrible dialogue straight out of 80's pro-America propaganda flicks like "Top Gun". Of course, some parts are slightly modified to include a plethora of oral-sex jokes, and sight gags (namely, the FAR too long, but still HILARIOUS barfing scene).

Kim Jong-Il was by far the best villain of the year, with a great musical number, delightfully evil eyebrows, and awesome lines borrowed right from Eric Cartman. The panthers, the giant sharks, his evil torture room, Tim Robbins... his implements of destruction are varied and hilarious.

If you like America-mockery, Southpark, and hot marionette-on-marionette action, then you need this movie.

7.9 out of 10. Definite rental.

Movie Review: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

2005-12-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

First off, I want to say something about Gene Wilder's comments about the movie: He said that there was no reason to remake his film, and it was a shameful attempt on the part of movie studios to capitalize on it's success, capitalize on it's stars, and make some quick cash. You shouldn't say things like that before actually seeing the movie yourself.

Secondly, he was totally right.

This movie was nothing more than a misguided attempt to make money, hidden behind a gigantic plot anvil about how good kids prosper. Every good part of the original movie was carefully excised. Everything that made the original Willy Wonka such a terrific character was expunged, leaving only a slightly off-kilter, effeminate and child-hating developmentally-handicapped chocolatier in purple velvet. In particular:

All of Willy's great dialogue was removed, replaced with, really, just words. Nothing he, the new Willy, said was funny. At all. It was just words. A lot of it felt tacked on. The showpieces of the movie were the Oompa-Loompa songs, which I have to admit, were kind of cool, especially using only one guy for every Oompa-Loompa. It was cheesy, but it was neat.

The boat scene was removed. The fizzy soda scene was removed. Slugworth was removed. Wonka's office was removed. Any sign that Wonka was a human was removed. The parents were reduced to uncaring wooden caricatures. Strangely, as a high point, they found GREAT child actors for every part. Each one was expressive, verbose, emotional, and perfect for their roles (particularly Mike Teevee).

Depp, I guess, needed the money, since he sure didn't get into this movie for the artistic merit.

3.5 / 10. Only rent it if you're a Burton fan.

Movie Review: The Cave

2005-08-26T23:39:00.000-07:00

*beats his head against a wall* Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute... *beats his head a few more times, then smiles at you* Thats better.

I'd like to start off by saying something to Hollywood studios: Why? What could have possibly posessed you that this film was WORTHY of making, was WORTHY of a major studio release? They basically took The Relic, and mixed it with Pitch Black, and even threw in the supporting male star of the latter film. To make matters worse, the editing appears to have been done by an epileptic, and the special effects by someone who just read the "PhotoShop 7.0 Bible". Lastly, the dialogue could very well have been created by the MS Office Grammar Checker.

This movie has, really, no redeeming features. EVERY good scene was revealed by the commercials. Several parts of the movie are just patently retarded, contradicting the scenes around it. There's a glacier located directly adjacent to a PERMANENTLY BURNING LAKE OF METHANE, and strangely the air is perfectly breathable despite being COMPLETELY sealed off from the outside world. Several parts, such as how an armed troupe of medieval soldiers made it through 2.4 miles of underground river, are just never explained. It was just.... it was just scenes, strung together, sometimes with bits tacked on PURELY to explain in plain English what has only been inferred with all the subtlety of an atomic fucking bomb.

And the ending.... oh, my God, the ending... I almost demanded my money back just how hackneyed and retarded the ending was. The star dies, the token black guy is stuffed into a cab, and... and... I'd reveal it, but I'm not that cruel, even if you never see this movie.

0.5 out of 10.

Music Review: Clutch - Robot Hive / Exodus

2005-08-15T13:53:00.000-07:00

For the first time ever, I am ambivalent towards an entire album of material, and even more shockingly, it's from my all-time favorite band ever, the power-quartet (sometimes quintet) of hard rock from Washington DC, Clutch. Neil himself proclaimed it to be "louder and wierder than our last album", and he is referring to Blast Tyrant there (scroll down to see my Blast Tyrant review). While it is most definitely wierder, only two and a half songs even come close to being louder than any of the fare on Blast Tyrant, and even Blast Tyrant wasnt half as loud as the previous record to that, the aptly named Pure Rock Fury.

Many of the songs on the new album feature what we've come to expect from Clutch, which is sharp drumming, peculiarly multi-layered guitar work, seemingly random key and timing changes, and Neil's impeccably-voiced bizarre lyrical ramblings. However, the middle half of the album can only be described as "mellow". For Christ's sake, my Dad likes a couple of the songs off this album. Thats just not right.

Even so, Clutch has continued to evolve, and I can never fault a band for that (except St Anger). Burning Beard is a monster of a song, and the video of Neil berating the masses (of robots) over a Church pulpit in a business suit gives it a whole new feel. The purposefully strangely titled middle track, "10001110101" makes very little sense, and if you're wondering, it's some order of ASCII for the question mark character. Mice and Gods rants about technology, and mankinds downfall, while "Gravel Road" is rock-country song about lost love. It hardly seems like the Clutch that came out with "Come On, Motherfucker" or "Pile Driver" or even "I Have The Body Of John Wilkes Boothe", but for your mellower, nostalgic forays into hard music, Clutch has the answer. It's Robot Hive.

8.2 out of 10.

Movie Review: Four Brothers

2005-08-15T13:42:00.000-07:00

While watching this movie (and thoroughly enjoying myself) I was struck with three revelations. 1) Andre 3000 can act, 2) The soundtrack is a unique and refreshing breather from the technotronic rock-America fare of past movies, featuring Marvin Gaye, Jefferson Airplane, The Temptations, and The Four Tops, and 3) The director has clearly never heard the word 'pacing' in his life. John Singleton, Director, was the man who brought us "2 Fast 2 Furious", a movie which didn't need pacing, as it was just a testosterone-fueld automotive-wet-dream music video. Shaft didn't need pacing since it was upbeat, and you could lose yourself in the amusing moments. However, for a self-proclaimed 'serious' revenge flick, you can't just throwi everything together, scene by scene. A certain deft touch is required. For people who don't care enough about cinematography to notice this kind of thing, please ignore the previous few sentences and go enjoy this movie.

And let's not beat around the bush, it is enjoyable. Marky Mark is a much better actor than he has ever been credited for, and his chemistry with the other brothers in this movie seems genuine. The hockey games, the good-natured homoerotic jabs, then living room brawls all smack of people who love eachother (girls may not quite get that). The Thanksgiving dinner was poignant, the funeral reunion tensed over the feeling of loss, and most of all, the scenes of violence are done exceedingly well. A few too many bullets may have been expended during the final big shootout at the house of their late adoptive mother, but all that can be forgiven... except for the climax.

After the big final showdown fight scene, I was still left waiting for the climax of the movie. I was kind of shocked to learn a few minutes later that I had just witnessed the climax of the movie, and apparently I missed it. I know John Singleton was going for a sort of sombre, low-key taste of revenge, but it was so low-key it slipped under my chair and got stuck in the spilled Pepsi.

Apart from that one sizeable flub, this is a thoroughly enjoyable revenge flick, and should be seen by guys everywhere.

8.6 out of 10.

Movie Review: The Island

2005-07-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

Well, Michael Bay's first outing from estranged husband Jerry "BLOW FUCK UP!" Bruckheimer was an extremely ambitious movie about cloning, morality, and car chases. Suspension of disbelief is necessary for anything directed by Michael Bay, but this movie only had one trademark Bruckheimer expologasm, right at the end, where the removal of a fuse results in a cataclysmic explosion that destroys a NUCLEAR SILO, and doesn't kill a single person. As for the car chases... well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Ewan McGregor stars as Lincoln Six Echo, a 'survivor of a post-apocalyptic contamination' in a holding facility, where thousands like him wait to win 'the lottery' to go to 'the Island'. Thats three Hollywood cliches in one SENTENCE, Bay! He is the only one dissatisfied with his lot in life, and questioning the existence of the facility and everything around him. Smart puppy. The seeds of doubt were planted when he CONSTANTLY SNEAKS OUT of a heavily-quarantined building to chat with a friend of his, a mechanical engineer who works in what appears to be an oil refinery attached to the complex. Despite being a super-protected and, again, quarantined facility, he is able to take someones key, biohazard suit, sneak out, take the biohazard mask OFF and drink whiskey with Steve Buscemi. Even in the future, security systems dont work.

In this place, there is no love, sex, horniness, or aggression..... once again, Bay demonstrates an amazing lack of understanding about humans. If you took people, and raised them without sex, they would NOT lack aggression. No-one really remembers the apocalypse, just some child-hood memories. New people are being brought in all the time, lacking intelligence of any sort, basically one year olds, because apparently contamination makes you retarded.

Without going into too much detail, Lincoln Six Echo follows a gypsy moth through the contaminated area, and up into some sort of hospital, where he sees the last lottery winner getting sliced open, and going crazy, getting gunned down, and harvested for organs. he also sees a woman who was impregnated in the facility have her baby taken from her, and then the mother is killed. This doesnt sit well, since his quasi-girlfriend, Scarlett Johansson, just won the lottery! Gasp!

He goes, gets her, and somehow escapes from a high-security installation in, as I mentioned, a nuclear silo, and then escapes on surface in broad daylight, despite it being mentioned several times that there are several helicopters and no shortage of guns or security at the facility which has to be about fifty feet away.

Don't ask.

They track down Steve Buscemi in what seems to be Arizona, and he explains that they're clones. Lincoln Six Echo and Jordan Two Delta (Johansson) are actually rich and/or famous people's insurance policies. Buscemi, he of the heart of gold, gets blownded away, and what follows is, with the exception of the scenes with two Lincolns, car chases loosely strung together with car chases. And explosions. And flying motorbixes which use both the Pod Racer and TIE Fighter sound effects. They are pursued relentlessly by a large French black ex-Delta military man, who undergoes the classical change of heart and comes to the highly implausible rescue at the end, and then walks off into the sunset.

Lincoln takes over the life of the person he was cloned from, and Jordan goes with him, completely forgetting the fact that, since Jordan won the lottery, the person SHE was cloned from needed organs. As a result, the real Jordan died, leaving behind this adorable little boy, who is never seen again after the middle of the movie. Also, since all the clones escaped into the Nevada desert, it stands to reason they all lived happily ever after, despite the sixty or seventy fatalities that resulted with TWO of them escaping.

Unnghh... my head. Michael bay is a sledgehammer, and the script was glass. You can go to the movie, but you'll probably cut the roof of your mouth. Probably a rental.

5.5 out of 10.

Movie Review: Batman Begins

2005-07-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, every single program I had open turned itself off while I was typing this (and mostly done, I might add) so it looks like I have to do this again. Also, I know it's been a long time since I've been here to do a review, but I hope to change that. Wow... April third, eh? Been to long since I saw Sin City, might have to buy the DVD. Anyways, onto the review of Batman Begins.

It's almost unbelievable how far Batman has come from the source material, from campy hero to tortured anti-hero, to his newest incarnation as a self-hating sociopath with little to no control over how he acts. In one of the initial scenes, he refuses to compromise his morals by killing a convicted felon. As a result, he blows up the entire building, killing the convicted felon as well as thirty or fourty ninjas, and who knows how many servants and employees? Way to keep from compromising your morals there, Captain Killwad.

Later, during the movie's only car chase, he kills about twenty cops with no regard for civilian traffic, and despiute the fact that he stays on surface roads the entire time, the police helicopter is unable to follow him accross... a highway. Furthermore, you'd think the GIGANTIC TRACKS leading down a dirt road and vanishing at a waterfall RIGHT BEHIND BRUCE WAYNE'S HOUSE might have tipped off a few semi-intelligent police detectives, but no, they just assume that the mysterious Batman threw them off the track. Cops that dumb deserve to die.

Despite being filled with goofs and plot holes, and horribly cut and choreographed fight scenes after he dons his armor, and the tragic miscasting of Katie Holmes, and the tragic underusage of Gary Oldman, this is still an OK popcorn movie. Christian Bale when he is trying to act suave, can really pull of suave. When he is trying to act sober, he comes off as about as good an actor as your average third-grade stage-play star. It's almost laughably bad how wooden he becomes, apparently drawing on his experience from the laughably bad Equilibrium.

Still, rent this movie if you're a fan. It gives you a bit of faith in the fact that Batman doesn't need a neon car to highlight his armored nipples. 5 out of 10.

Movie Review: Sin City

2005-04-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

Movie Review: Sin City

I just went and saw this movie tonight. I may have to go see it tomorrow, if my wife lets me. And cheap Tuesday. With luck, I can see it in a different city next weekend.

But enough with the editorializing. This is a movie that will definitely polarize the viewers. From what I could tell from the gasps, yells, laughs, and hooting, my fellow audience-members liked it. Some people on the way out were saying bad things about it. It was hard for me to keep from pounding their skulls flat on the hard, cold, packed earth of an unholy barn floor.

Whoops, editorializing again. My adrenaline is still a little bit high.

From the man who brought respectability back to comics, and the man who could inexplicably produce "El Mariachi" and "Spy Kids 3D" in the same lifetime, comes Frank Miller's Sin City. Not once does it shy away from the source material (except for Jessica Alba, who has a no-nudity contract clause). Marv does everything that you'd expect of an indestructible killing machine with a soft fluffy teddy bear heart wrapped in bloody razor wire. Hartigan is the man... bar none, Hartigan is the man. Nameless the Salesman, although only in two scenes, perhaps drives home most poignantly the morality of Basin City. Nancy, skinny little Nancy Callahan, is perhaps the only innocent soul in the city.

In Sin City, in the very, very broadest terms and with an extremely loose definition of the word "good", the good guys win. Marv finds justice in dispensing of pain and blood, but it is justice. Hartigan, in the name of the law and love, finds justice in sacrifice. Dwight and Gail protect the way of life of the Old City, and it just so happens that a whole mother-loving pile of bodies gets left in the wake. Elija Wood, good old Frodo Baggins, gets whats coming to him with a smile on his silent lips. That was such a wierd sentence to write.

The cinematography is dead-on. Some panels of the book look just like the movie. Some panels of the movie look just like the book. The attention to detail is remarkable. The Woman In The Red Dress's eyes glow green for the second that a lighter is held to her cigarette. The transition from two-color monochrome animation to four color movie (black, white, gray, and blood) and back is seamless. Only on a very few occaisions can you tell that the background is green-screened, when the motion doesn't 100% synch up. Even so, 99% synch rate is pretty damn good.

Although there were...two... five...ten.... uhm.... seventy-odd murders in this movie, and pretty much every main character (and even some hot supporting characters) end up soaked in blood at one point, this is still a marvellous set piece, beautifully crafted, and filled with characters as rich and colorful (if the tiniest bit wooden *cough*Madsen*cough*) as any you are likely to encounter. I recommend this for anyone who likes film noir, violence, or that feeling in your stomach when your entire life has led up to a single hard decision, and you go with what your heart knows is right, and the world can go fuck itself if it doesn't agree.

10 out of 10.

Movie Review: Sin City

2005-04-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

I just went and saw this movie tonight. I may have to go see it tomorrow, if my wife lets me. And cheap Tuesday. With luck, I can see it in a different city next weekend.

But enough with the editorializing. This is a movie that will definitely polarize the viewers. From what I could tell from the gasps, yells, laughs, and hooting, my fellow audience-members liked it. Some people on the way out were saying bad things about it. It was hard for me to keep from pounding their skulls flat on the hard, cold, packed earth of an unholy barn floor.

Whoops, editorializing again. My adrenaline is still a little bit high.

From the man who brought respectability back to comics, and the man who could inexplicably produce "El Mariachi" and "Spy Kids 3D" in the same lifetime, comes Frank Miller's Sin City. Not once does it shy away from the source material (except for Jessica Alba, who has a no-nudity contract clause). Marv does everything that you'd expect of an indestructible killing machine with a soft fluffy teddy bear heart wrapped in bloody razor wire. Hartigan is the man... bar none, Hartigan is the man. Nameless the Salesman, although only in two scenes, perhaps drives home most poignantly the morality of Basin City. Nancy, skinny little Nancy Callahan, is perhaps the only innocent soul left, despite being at the center of one of the longest and bloodiest vendettas in history.

In Sin City, in the very, very broadest terms and with an extremely loose definition of the word "good", the good guys win. Marv finds justice in dispensing of pain and blood, but it is justice. Hartigan, in the name of the law and love, finds justice in sacrifice. Dwight and Gail protect the way of life of the Old City, and it just so happens that a whole mother-loving pile of bodies gets left in the wake. Elija Wood, good old Frodo Baggins, gets whats coming to him with a smile on his silent lips. That was such a wierd sentence to write.

The cinematography is dead-on. Some panels of the book look just like the movie. Some panels of the movie look just like the book. The attention to detail is remarkable. The Woman In The Red Dress's eyes glow green for the second that a lighter is held to her cigarette. The transition from two-color monochrome animation to four color movie (black, white, gray, and blood) and back is seamless. Only on a very few occaisions can you tell that the background is green-screened, when the motion doesn't 100% synch up. Even so, 99% synch rate is pretty damn good.

Although there were...two... five...ten.... uhm.... seventy-odd murders in this movie, and pretty much every main character (and even some hot supporting characters) end up soaked in blood at one point, this is still a marvellous set piece, beautifully crafted, and filled with characters as rich and colorful (if the tiniest bit wooden *cough*Madsen*cough*) as any you are likely to encounter. I recommend this for anyone who likes film noir, violence, or that feeling in your stomach when your entire life has led up to a single hard decision, and you go with what your heart knows is right, and the world can go fuck itself if it doesn't agree.

10 out of 10.

Movie Review: Ong-Bak, The Thai Warrior

2005-02-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

First off, let me say: Whoa.

Anyone who goes in to one of these movies expecting plot does not deserve to be allowed to watch Kung Fu flicks.

Even so, this was a brilliant outing for first-timer Panom Yeerum (Tony Jaa), a phenomenally gifted athlete and Muay Thai fighter. Some of his stunts would have put a young Jackie Chan to shame, and some of his fight scenes would start to hold candles to the great Bruce Lee. It was not heavy-handed, or heavy-hearted either. The big chase scenes both involved Ting (Panom) and his cousin, played by the stocky Petchtai Wongkamlao, who actually can act. Petchtai was essentially comic relief, getting his pants ripped while jumping over a pickaxe, and so forth. In fact, the funniest moment in the movie (and make no mistake, it was laugh-out-loud funny) occurs when George (Petchtai) comes to a street-chef, and whips one of his cutting knives off of the cutting board, and turns around to face his attackers, with a very evil gleam in his eye. The attackers stop, but seeing the size of the knife, start in again. George turns around, and pulls a ten-pound butcher knife off of the table, and makes an even more evil face. The attackers, seeing desperation, and a big knife, back off. For a few seconds, they stare at eachother.

And then this tiny little old lady with a double-basket slung accross her shoulders, walks slowly between them, chating "Knives for sale, knives for sale, knives for sale." The next scene shows the attackers, all wielding butcher knives, chasing George again. I almost coughed iced tea out my nose, the scene was composed so perfectly.

Back to Panom, though. His fights are just damn breathtaking. The first fight is just one dipping-rising knee blow to the chest, which completely KO's the bar-fighter. The whole crowd in the movie falls silent, and the whole crowd watching the movie says "Holy shit! Rewind that, that was cool!"

The next fight sequence is three fights in a row... easy, medium, and hard. The hard one deserves an award, as Ting and some huge friggin dude named Dragon battle around the fight club. You can tell how the fight is going to go when Dragon stands up, and walks towards the ring: The ring announcer sees Dragon, screams "Oh, God!" drops the microphone, and runs. The result? Ting is covered in bruises, Dragon is unconcious, and about fifty-thousand dollars of damage is done to the joint.

The Gas-station fight is also very worth it, as Ting fights while his legs are covered in flaming gasoline. That was just cool.

End result: best new martial arts movie I've seen in.... well, best new martial arts movie I've seen. Period. Jackie Chan, we miss you. Bruce Lee, we miss you. Panom, make more movies!

Movie Review: Ocean's Twelve

2005-01-05T16:17:00.000-08:00

Steven Soderbergh is without a doubt one of the best visual film-makers in Hollywood today. His vision was shared with the film Traffic in 2000, where every scene was done with such painstaking perfection and with such an impossible mix of blurriness and clarity, that it seemed impossible for the film to have cost so little. The Limey proved he could handle anger and violence with honor and respect, and Insomnia proved he could impress his inimicable style even as Executive Producer (not that Christopher Nolan needed much help, he directed Memento, for Christ's sake.)

Mr Soderbergh can also calm down a bit, relax, have a few drinks, and put out two of the most thoroughly enjoyable popcorn movies in the past decade, namely Ocean's Eleven, a remake of the 1960 Rat Pack classic, and Ocean's Twelve. Of course, being a Soderbergh movie, neither one is able to ever actually slow down for a second and take a look around... there's FAR too much wit and charisma packed into each scene to allow such a breather. I mean, when you take a two hour flick, and cram Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts, Andy Garcia and Catherine Zeta-Jones, there's barely even room for sets and props.

Absolutely friggin hilarious were the "as themselves" performances of Topher Grace and Bruce Willis. Topher, apparently, trashed Rusty's (Brad Pitt) apartment in a drunken rage after getting dumped by some girl he just met. He was unkempt, unshaven, with long hair, and a strangely adult voice, and for those eight seconds, I was giggling uncontrollably. Bruce Willis was at his utter funniest as his normally gruff, deadpan self in what had to be one of the greatest heist sequences ever (considering the actually robbery doesn't even take place during the heist sequence).

The movie tries too hard with the wit, with the macho, with the bravado, with the self-confidence, with the over-the-top egos, and it STILL comes off as a well-rounded popcorn movie. Soderbergh, you've done it again. Now stop. Go back and do another Limey. We need it.

Rating: 9.1 out of 10.

Game Review: Master of Orion III

2005-01-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

Master of Orion II is such an incredible space strategy game. The visual interface in Master of Orion II is very simple, intuitive, and yet very powerful, easily accessing all the information you need in a clear and colorful manner. There is a massive tech tree, and even overpowering force can be defeated with a cunning battle commander.

There are countless customizeable races to choose from, countless varieties of ship, ways to develop your planets, negotiate, extort, and exterminate.

In short, buy Master of Orion II.

Movie Review: Addendum

2004-12-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

Natasha "But I'm A Cheerleader" Lyonne has been arrested AGAIN, this time at the exact same time that I was seeing her on the big screen. Friday night in New York City, sometime after 11pm Eastern Time, she "burst into her neighbor's Manhattan apartment at 11pm, yelling abuse and tearing a mirror from the wall before grabbing and threatening their dog. Other tenants at the building called police, who arrested Lyonne."

Good for her.

Movie Review: Blade Trinity

2004-12-19T09:52:00.000-08:00

To start off, I would like to recite a small portion of the South Park episode where Johnny Cochrane is in town, and talking to the jury.

"This is Chewbacca. He is a Wookie. But he lives on Endor. Now think about that. This does not make sense. Why would a Wookie, a nine-foot tall Wookie from the planet Kashyyk, be living on Endor with a bunch of tiny Ewoks? It does not make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, this does not make sense." [picks up a small monkey] "Look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey!"

[One of the jurors groans, and his head explodes.]

We have now summed up my movie-going experience on Friday night, when I went to go see Blade Trinity. Never before have I gone into a movie with such low expectations and come out wondering how I could have so badly overestimated it's worth.

Now, to be honest, it wasn't ALL bad. I had thought after seeing the ads, "Oh, cripes, Ryan Reynolds is in this, this is going to suck harshly." However, after seeing it, the only thing good I could say was "Man, Ryan Reynolds is awesome. He has such great delivery, and all the good lines were his. He rocks."

Jessica Biel sleepwalked utterly unmemorably through this film. She was annoyingly emotionless, with so little back story to her character I figured she was going to get the Ensign-In-Red treatment. No such luck. Blade is more or less the same as he was in the first two movies, although less likeable. One amusingly high note was that the blind genius leader of the Nightstalkers is Natasha "But I'm A Cheerleader" Lyonne, which although she's been in a hundred other things, will always stick in my head as a girl in pink sitting in a chair sobbing "Oh my god, I'm a lesbian!" Which brings us to the villains.

Who the high holy fuck thought that a bunch of annoying preppy too-hip thirty-somethings would make any sort of frightening Vampire cadre? Every single one of them just came off as self-centered and whiny. Callum Keith Rennie whored himself out badly for his scant number of scenes, and Triple H, although he does have good screen presence, seriously needs an acting coach. I was giggling everytime he made a threat, simply because he looked like he memorized his movements from a Meccano set. Parker Posey was kind of effective, but being effective at portarying a loud petulant poser is no great success.

And finally... Dracula. Or Dacon. Or Drake. Or whatever the hell you want to call him. Dominic Purcell was given his one chance at TV legendary status as the titular character in Fox's "John Doe", which, predictably, was cancelled. He was a great actor, given a great part in a great TV series, which attracted a strong viewership, so naturally Fox had to axe it. In this movie, he plays the vampire progenitor, some sort of demonic mutation, able to shapeshift and walk in sunlight and stuff. However, he's a wuss! At the very end, he and Blade are evenly matched. I mean, sure, Blade is supposed to be strong, but this is DRACULA! He barely puts up a fight. He's lousy with a sword, gets easily frustrated (despite having the patience to sleep for five hundred years) and doesn't even look that scary in any of his forms.

However, I have to give them credit for adding some depth to him. He is honorable, he is not wantonly destructive, and he has a great sense of worth. At the end, his final gift to Blade is surprisingly well thought out, even if his death was retarded. (Slight spoiler - they give him the vampire equivalent of SARS).

All in all, I have to say: Rent this just to see every scene with Ryan Reynolds. The man is funny. He put on thirty pounds of muscle for this role, which is dedication, and although some of his 'dialogue' would make a fourteen year old wigger skater punk shiver, his monologues are inspired.

Score: Meh out of 10.

Television Review: The Daily Show

2004-09-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

I'd like to start off this review with some other reviews this week, from IMDB, reporting from AP sources:

"Determined not to be caught up in a spin zone created by Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, Comedy Central on Monday refuted O'Reilly's assertion that the audience for the network's The Daily Show was composed of "stoned slackers." The channel extracted data from Nielsen Media Research to indicate that Daily Show host Jon Stewart's viewers are more likely to have completed college than O'Reilly's. O'Reilly made his remarks when Stewart appeared on his show a few weeks ago. "You know what's really frightening?" O'Reilly said. "You actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it's true. You've got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote." O'Reilly is due to face the slackers directly when he appears on Stewart's show on Oct. 7."

Additionally:

"Concerns that people who receive their political information from late-night comedy shows may not be adequately familiar with the issues in order to vote knowledgeably appeared to be laid to rest Monday by a study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania's National Annenberg Election Survey. In a poll conducted between July 15 and Sept. 19, nearly 20,000 young adults were asked six questions about the presidential candidates' stands on various issues. Those who watched no late-night comedy shows answered 2.62 questions correctly. David Letterman's viewers answered 2.91; Jay Leno,'s 2.95; and Jon Stewart's (The Daily Show) 3.59. The results for Stewart appeared particularly striking to the pollsters, who noted that his viewers "have higher campaign knowledge than national news viewers and newspaper readers."

All in all, people are placing far too little importance and relevance on a television show which actually does report factual data in a formal and frank manner, even if it does then proceed to mock the hell out of it. This show does not pander, it does not talk down, and it remains interesting enough to young viewers to keep them watching, every night, even when they really should be in bed. I mean, I'm Canadian... American politics has no real effect on my life, and I have no real effect on American politics. Why can't I stop watching?!?

Political Review: Jury-Draw Governmental Elections

2004-09-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

I suppose this is a bit of a biased review, since it's something I've come up with over the past couple of years. It's clear to most people that democracy doesn't work in populations in excess of, oh, 30. Maybe 40. That's it. Homer Simpson said it. Kent Brockman said it. Democracy doesn't work.

In it's current form! Aye, there's the qualification. Democracy now is about as far from what the philosophers intended as Communism. In theory, both systems are flawless. In practice, you're adding a species that makes fallability an excercice in greatness. Corruption, greed, stupidity and just plain ignorance of facts will always dog any political system, but there are ways to mitigate it. The method I thought up (and that probably needs tweaking) is Jury-Draw Elections.

In the modern judicial system, juries of peers are picked at random from the entire eligible population. Even Oprah Winfrey reported, and she's a billionaire! Naturally, you can try to wriggle out of it for various personal reasons, and this ensures an unbiased group. I believe that the same principle can and should be applied to presidential politics.

A random seed of perhaps the cube root of the population would work nicely, I think, and a scaleable amount. Townships of 1000 people would have 10 candidates. Cities of 10,000 would have 20 candidates. Cities of 100,000 would have 46 candidates. A million people would have 100 candidates. The American population of 294 million would give some 660 candidates. Some of them would be excused initially due to some factors: education (at least high school would be required) age (between 25 and 65 to avoid debilitating health problems) income (under $100,000 per year). This would probably pare down half the group. A further half could opt out, OR nominate someone that they know, and feel would be more suited to the position. In the US, this would leave about 150 candidates who WANT to be President.

Now, from this point on, it is an election season. Each member is allotted a fixed amount of money with which to campaign, each dollar overseen by an part of the assigned election committee. Each person would begin outlining their platform, and studying hard on the necessary issues. Television time and travel time would allow each candidate to get their message out.

Obviously not everyone would be willing to work that hard once they realized what it would entail, and maybe a further 1/3 or so would drop out, leaving us with roughly 100 people. Initial spread-approval voting would be then used halfway through the campaign season, with each voter alloted 5 votes, worth from 1 to 5 points. The top 25% of the candidates would progress onto the next round, with more campaign money, and so forth. One month before the final election, another spread-approval vote would reduce the field from 25 or so candidates to an even 10.

From here, it would be the final month of debates, and touring, and appearances, as the candidates prepare for election night. Even the newest, least interested voters can keep track of 10 candidates and pick out the ones they like.

This period would be characterized by several prime-time television appearances of a game-show format, rather like Supertown Challenge. Candidates would be asked questions, ranging from basic essentials to more complex matters. Some good questions would be:

1.) What country do we owe the most money to, and why?
2.) What country do we have the most weapons aimed at, and why?
3.) How long do you think a low-income mother should have to wait with her sick child in an emergency room?
4.) How much do you think it should cost to fill the gas tank of a family car?
5.) How many millions of dollars in a trillion dollars? (3 second limit)
6.) How many millions of tons of pollutants does this nation's infrastructure produce daily? Answer in solid, liquid, and gaseous quantaties.
7.) How would you give the nation's millions of homeless a safe home and a second try?

And so forth, and so forth. British Prime Minister Tony Blair does this every Wednesday on his own TV show, and yet I get the feeling Bush or Kerry would likely explode without the ability to answer after consulting their committee.

The final voting day would be similar to spread-vote and proportional representation. Three votes per person, with a point value of one, two and three. The top three point-earning candidates would form the next Presidential office.

Whats that, you say? Three Presidents? Yes, thats right, a tripartisan system. The government would be composed of elected positions, from Environmental Minister to Minister of Finance, and so forth, ensuring that party politics are essentially negated. Every single person in the govenrment is now answerable for all of his or her actions, and easily replaceable. The tripartisan head of state would have to work and compromise and agree on actions and courses of legislation, with two able to over-ride a veto from the third party given that the two have the support of a given portion of the governmental office. This way one person cannot stonewall the entire government on an issue he or she disagrees with, but it also guarantees two Presidents cannot act outside the wishes of the people.

I may be whizzing on the electric fence here, but this is my idea.

Television Review: Childrens Programming

2004-09-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

I have a two-year-old, so obviously there are a lot of shows aimed directly at him that make adults in the vicinity dumber simply by collateral splash damage. I won't be reviewing shows that my son likes that are aimed at older kids, such as Spongebob Squarepants or Billy Talent music videos. This is just about the goofy-ass shows.

Blues Clues

The first show that my son got ravenously addicted to, I have no major problems with. The animation is simple, the dialogue is not condescending, and the colors are pretty enough to keep my son thoroughly entranced. It was not long at all before he knew all the songs and dances, before he had even learned to speak. He could mumble quite well with the "We Just Figured Out Blue's Clues". This show also has the added advantage of a disturbingly charismatic live-action character, Steve. He performs the entire show in front of a blue screen, with only a notebook, pencil, and chair, and it is clear this fact does not elude him. Oftentimes you are positive he is watching the film crew simply kill themselves laughing, and his glances at the camera are quite clearly aimed at the parents, as if to say "Yes, I know this is demeaning, but your kids are cool with me for a minute. Go grab a coffee." Blue the Dog is cuddly and cute, as any animated puppy should be. It was only after they got rid of Steve and acquired Donovan Payton, a 'prettier' host with 'singing talent' and 'shiny teeth'. He just isn't the same. At least my wife has stopped watching the show now... Still, it gets a 9.5 out of 10. Even I get a kick out of it now and then.

The Bear In The Big Blue House

At first this show irked the hell out of me. I mean, it's a seven foot tall bear with an animatronic head in a house filled with with rodents, and he ended every episode by singing a song with the freaking moon. It was only after being forced to watch a couple of episodes of this all the way through did I actually start to respect it. The bear's voice talent is curiously good, very emotive and also not condescending. The songs are actually catchy, and they do fun things on the show like bake cookies and eat them... come on, who doesn't like that? The moon still annoys me, but my son loves it, since he also knows every single song on this show. (He can't say his own name, but he can perform the "Where Is Shadow" song and dance flawlessly.) The guy in the bear also gets a little respect, frolicking around in a hundred pound fur suit just to make kids happy, with someone off-camera controlling the eyes. All in all, I have to give points to this show, since my son will drop everything (including things we don't want him to play with) to watch this show. 8.5 out of 10.

Dora the Explorer

Oh, God, save me. This show is perhaps my son's favorite nowadays, and I shudder to wonder why. The premise: a tiny little mexican girl wanders around the countryside with a trained monkey, and a backpack that likes to eat things through the top of it's head. She can perform Matrix-style soccer kicks, occaisionally shifts from English to Spanish, and is constantly being pursued by a retarded fox who likes to steal things. What parent lets a small child go alligator-jumping, or bear-dodging, or snake-climbing? Also, a couple of wierd insects playing jazz instruments known as the "Fiesta Trio" like to follow behind her, playing a little fanfare everytime she does something. The songs are catchy, but the voices stab right into my brain like silky smooth ice-picks. Everytime my son sees Dora merchandise in the store, he charges it, grabs it, and tries to dance with it, screaming "Boots! Boots!" which happens to be the name of said trained monkey. I give it a 4 out of 10, and those points are simply because it gives me another few minutes to clean in the mornings.

Magic School Bus

A deeply disturbing show, I actually happen to like this one. Another conceptual nightmare, the premise is a classroom of extremely multi-ethnic children who all get along go on bizzarre field trips. As a product of the public school system, I can most definitely say that the first part of that statement is the most far-fetched. They seem to see nothing wrong with having a teacher with phenomenal cosmic powers wasting the, on showing the kids how near-shore ecosystems work, or how the center of the earth works, or shrinking them down and taking them on a journey through an open sore on one of the childrens legs and into the bloodstream. The show is educational, and the teacher is voiced by Lily Tomlin, which is kinda cool, but some of the topics on the show are a little advanced for a child who has only recently learned that if you take a container of sour cream and drop it off the table, you can eat the stuff that ends up on the floor. Still, as he gets older he'll probably become more interested in the scientific and ecological topics (even if my wife still can't watch the one where the bus drives under a bandaid and into a pool of blood). I give this an 8 out of 10, for effort and actual well-done animation.

Miffy

or as I like to call it, "Friggin Miffy". A wierd claymation show with unrealistically spherical anthropomorphic animals. It's a short show, usually used to fill up space between the longer shows, but since my son is horribly addicted to it, I shall include it. He sings the song from the beginning, which is essentially "MIFFY" screamed over and over by high-pitched childrens voices, separated by such intellectual gems as "A cute little bunny" or "A smart little bunny" or "A happy little bunny". It's pure genius. The stories are simple, usually things like a ball going missing, or a rainy day. There is no real plot, no surprises, no real dialogue... it's just 'stuff that happens'. I'm not sure if the show is ripped off from Japanese culture, or if Japan ripped it off from us, and I don't really care, as long as my son outgrows it soon. 3 out of 10.

Max & Ruby

Some sort of cel-based computer animation, my brain can't quite reconcile inverse kinematics being used to move bunnies accross the screen, but that might just be my own personal issue. This show is aimed at slightly older kids... maybe even as high as three year olds. Ruby is the older daughter, and is accurately portayed as being gossippy and annoying if she doesn't get her way. Max is the younger child, with perfect pronunciation despite being able to only speak single words at a time. Their adventures include such things as "Max is annoying while eating breakfast", or "Max is annoying while playing Hide and Seek", or "Max is annoying while Ruby is on the phone". I rather think the producers had some childhood troubles, since every show is about how younger siblings can be annoying, and there's nothing you can do about it. This show has also taught my son that if there's food on his plate he doesn't want to eat, he can throw it on the floor and everyone will laugh and be amused. Wonderful morals. 3 out of 10, if only for the animation and voices, and amusement factor.

Timothy Goes To School

I am unsure about this show. The animation is OK, the stories are average fare for this kind of programming, but sometimes something unusually good or unusually bad sneaks through. Most of the show very pointedly does not center around Timothy, or even include him, which is my first beef. One episode centers around the arrival of a Japanese... animal-thing, named Yoko, so naturally everyone makes fun of her, only realizing at the end that she's a good person. One other episode focuses on a forgetful... animal-thing. This is perfectly fine, since most kids are forgetful at times. Even so, I simply could not wrap my mind around the line, "My mom says I forget things because my head is full of sunshine". Yeah. Remind me to try that the next time I have to tell someone they're stupid. These parents obviously have no regard for their childs future feelings. In spite of this, it's an average show, and my son likes it just fine. 5 out of 10.

Conclusion: Most kids programming is just re-hashed pap packaged in different animation styles. Above we have regular cel animation, computer animation, claymation, live-action puppets & animatronics, and blue-screening live-action people with computer animation. The ones that both I and my son like best are the ones with good writing and voice talent, so I think programmers need to start respecting their audience's intelligence a little bit more.

Game Review: The Works of Sid Meier

2004-09-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ranked with Vikings out of 5. Starting with:

Civilization

The first, the one, the classic. I dont know how many hours I spent playing this game, starting off with my little covered wagon and building an empire of untouchable power. It got to the point where I could play on the hardest difficulty (whatever it was) and beat the game without trying. It was a phenomenally complex game for such a simple concept, and such a small filesize. Billions of different combinations of maps, dozens of units, homicidal AI (including Ghandi the Psycho), and multiplayer options right from the start. Topping nearly every "Best Game Ever" list, Civilization is a must for fans of true classics.

Colonization

The stepping stone between Civilization and Civilization II, Colonization remains one of my all-time favorite games to date. Theoretically just a refined form of Civilization, it focused on the arrival of the New World powers to, well, the New World. Focusing more on interaction and rresource management, the basics of this game are completely different. Cities are composed not of population, but of civilian units. You can take a regular Colonist, give him guns and make hima soldier. Give him tools, and make him a pioneer. Give him horses and make him a scout. Send him to school, college, or university and teach him how to be everything from a gun-smith to a distiller to a priest. You can handily beat the game with a small handful of powerful cities, although it is certainly possible to build a huge empire (usually by wiping out the Indians, unless you're French). The goal is to declare independence, and then survive the War of Independence (which aint easy!) You have to manage all your resources, from wood to ore to guns to silver to rum, and a dozen more! Watch the rates of Tories and Rebels in your cities, and handle negotiations with your parent country as they try and stifle the rebellion in the New World. Infinitely replayable, and horribly addictive, this game only comes second to Civilization II.

Civilization II

Any list that Civilization isnt at the top of is DEFINITELY topped with Civilization II. Arguably the greatest strategy game ever devised, it added incredible depth of play to an already incredible game. It was isometric, it was Windows-based (and extremely well done), it had perfect music, it wasn't graphics intensive (despite having gorgeously drawn graphics). It brought the skill and excitement of a strategy game to it's most refined edge. Ghandi the Psycho was back in force, backstabbing you every chance he could (although the programmers say they never made his AI special, he has gone to war for no reason so many times more than everyone else, including the Mongols and the Celts.) Build your Wonders of the World first, go to war, terraform your nation, convert the enemy... there is very little I can say about this game that hasn't been said somewhere, and better. This is the #1 game I have ever played, and it probably will be for a good, long time.

Alpha Centauri

The stepping stone between Civilization II and Civilization III, Alpha Centauri is the true sequel to Civilization and Civilization II. Your colony ships lands on the curiously habitable planet orbiting Alpha Centauri, but it breaks up in the atmosphere, scattering all seven factions evenly over the surface (shut up, it's just the premise). This game incorporates all of the new features Sid was obsessed with, including a much more detailed governmental system, trade system, border system and alliance system. You can stack your units with your friends, you can build your own custom units, you can customize every feature of your empire, and you can bombard your enemies in 3 dimensions from behind curving 3D terrain. The factions are all different with skills and abilities that greatly affect gameplay, the resource model is slightly different, the artwork for every culture is different... it's all the ideas Sid wanted. Unfortunately, the game did poorly, but I like this game third best behind Civilization II and Colonization. This brings us to...

Civilization III

Basically Civilization II with way way prettier graphics, the company voted out everything Sid wanted to put in, IE, everything he play-tested in Alpha Centauri. The only truly new features are the culture-based border system (which is really sweet, my favorite part of the game) and the culture-specific traits (Agricultural, Religious, Militaristic, etc). The trade abilities were vetoed, the government design was nixed, the alliance features were removed, and the result is what could be considered a 900 meg expansion for Civilization II. The game is slower, it's cumbersome unless your system is at least 1 GHz, and it's curoiusly repetitive. A sequel to a game should change EVERYTHING, making it better, but as it has been proven, you can't make Civilization III, you can only polish the hell out of Civilization II and call it a new game. I bought it, I bought both expansions, and realized I loved the middle games the best by a long shot. Still, 3 out of 5, and if you've never played anything before it and are obsessed with having the newest games, you'll definitely love it.

Movie Review: Suspect Zero

2004-08-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

Those of you who like to check up on these things will know that "Suspect Zero" opened just slightly ahead of "Supergenius: Baby Geniuses 2" over the weekend. Both movies just opened, and both performed below their expected levels. The only difference is that "Suspect Zero" had a chance to be a good movie, while I do not doubt that the other one would only have had a better chance in Hell if it had a corncob pipe and two eyes made out of coal.

The movie focuses around an FBI profiler who underwent a breakdown and a demotion after beating the crap out of a murderer, and dragging him accross the Mexican border into the United States. Some of you may also know that the Feds hate when that happens. Naturally, he has spiralled down into a deep psychological despair, as the job of pursuing criminals has worn down his mind, blah blah blah. Can't we just once meet an FBI profiler who likes to go home, pop some popcorn and watch Powerpuff Girls with his lady friend? Do they ALL have to have demented melancholia?

Anyways, Ben Kingsley is the only actor in this movie. Everyone else are actually corpses given life through the wonder of CGI. Seriously, Carrie-Anne Moss must still be caught by the Matrix, since she was sleeping awake the whole damn film. I have never felt as little empathy for anyone as I did for her and Eckhart, the 'star' of the movie. Ben, however, in the first two minutes of the movie makes one of the best creeps that has ever been put to film, the creep you love to hate and sympathize with, and secretly wish you could be.

All in all, this could have been a TREMENDOUSLY good film had it been given a proper treatment. It was slow, the pacing jumped around too much, and some scenes were probably spliced in the wrong order. Although the idea, the concept, and the story were top notch, it was the cinematic equivalent of taking French butter-wine shrimp, rare filet mignon, and hand-made double-cream tiramisu, mixing it all up in a blender and serving in a pint mug. In theory, the finest meal that could be imagined. In practice, quite unappetizing and possibly hazardous to your stomach.

Social Review: Politics

2004-08-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

The advent of the partisan system was undoubtedly the biggest step forward in a fair and socially equitable governmental system. The advent of Americans was also undoubtedly the biggest setback to this.

I mean, lets take a look at the American bi-partisan system. You have the Republicans, a right-wing political party who believes that America should be the only kid in the schoolyard making decisions. You also have the Democrats, a right-wing political party who believes that America should be the only kid in the schoolyard making decicions, but they usually do it a bit nicer. It's standard psychology.

If you tell someone "Choose either Option A or Option B", less than one percent will say "What about Option C?" This is because the need for choice has been eliminated from this aspect of life. What do you do if you're a left-wing pro-choice American? You have no major party to vote for. What do you do if you-re a Marxist Communist? Well, after the shit-kickings, you still have no party to vote for.

American culture has been bred to pick either side of the same coin as the people to be in charge of their government, and the politicos continue to get away with it because they simply say "Well, if they dont like us, they can vote for the other party". But there IS No other party! It's the same basic party, one of them just happens to be a bit crankier than the other.

Other countries aren't exempt. In Canada there is between three and six major parties, merging, collapsing, re-merging, choosing unfavorable acronyms (Yay, Conservative Reform Alliance Party!) and so forth. Britains parties keep eachother in check, but the foreign policy hasn't really changed much since the European carpet-bombings. Now they just bludgeon us to death with culture, and act shocked when we rip it off. Whoa, different rant...

Of course the military despots of certain other countries aren't really moving forward, either. Sure, having one guy in charge really gets rid of a lot of red tape, it does tend to lead to black vans cruising around in the night and wives waking up in husband-less beds the next day, simply because said husband was heard to utter "Damn King Whoever". The old Argentinian treatment really cuts down on dissention. As the old saying goes, Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power is Kinda Cool.

Humans feel the need to gather and socialize, and I am all for that, I really am. Cities, even states allow for economic freedom and personal safety. But at what point does the empire get too big for it's speedo? Many of the Pacific Rim countries that have less than a million people also have no military, few police, no guns, and probably the happiest citizens on the friggin planet. This is mainly because they have nothing of "true value", like oil, gold, or cheap labor. There sure isn't much in Afghanistan, but it does produce 75% of the worlds heroin, and it has been getting invaded for over a thousand years almost without interruption. There isn't much in Iraq, but it does have a buttload of oil. (Oh, man, I'm not looking forward to the Americans finding out there's a trillion barrels of oil under the Canadian Shield, once we get the extraction processes working at a more effective rate, more than triple whats left in Iraq.)

In summation, I believe that people are basically good. Cities are a good idea. Interacting with the world around you is the only way to live. Electing people you don't like to do it for you is just fucking retarded.

Music Review: Monster Magnet, Last 3 Albums

2004-08-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

As soon as I heard "Space Lord" on the radio one night while driving a technically-stolen car, I became utterly hooked by new metal. The song, while kind of goofy, was great loud metal, with skillful guitar and the inimicable voice of Dave Wyndorf. I went out and bought Powertrip, and didn't like it. I found Dopes to Infinity at a pawn shop, though, and LOVED it. Thus began my progression of Monster Magnet fandom. See below.

Dopes To Infinity - 1995

Without a doubt one of my favorite heavy metal albums, Dopes to Infinity was packed to the absolute brim with thundering, rocking, well-layed guitars, marching-beat drum-lines, and the scream-tacular voice of Dave Wyndorf. That trademark cat-screech can still come accross as the definiton of hardcore nearly a decade later.

Huge songs, most of them nothing more than guitar solos linked together with peculiar lyrics, make up half the album, paying far more attention to the rhythm section than most other metal bands. The rising, falling, cresting lead and rhythm guitars intermingle with tremendous skill, making this a perfect album to crank up and try to fall asleep to.

9.25 out of 10

Powertrip - 1998

It was only recently after hearing "Powertrip", the song, used in the commercial for the movie Soldier, did I dig up my copy of Powertrip. Vowing to give it a second try, I played the whole thing in my Discman. About fifty times.

I couldn't believe I didn't like before! The first ten songs are very similar to the far on "Dopes to Infinity", just compressed. Huge, meandering guitar solos have given way to short, sharp, brilliant musical interludes. Far more storytelling than "Dopes", it is said that Dave got a penthouse suite in vegas, and wrote one song per day on a steady diet of booze and casinos. He then brought the whole band in, recorded, and went on tour again.

The many drug and alcohol references are so very, very obvious that I doubt anyone would feel influenced to try either one. "I'm driving the tractor on the drug farm" might be the least subtle musical hook ever used. Despite that, the song "Tractor" has an infectuous beat, as do most of the songs on this album. It is impossible to drive slowly, walk slowly, or do anything slowly with this playing (except for the song "Baby Gotterdamerung", which might confuse the hell out of you if you just listened to every song before it.)

8.5 out of 10

God Says No - 2001

I had bought it when I saw it in a pawn shop, listened to it once, and didn't like it much. Realizing that I had just re-tried, and liked, "Powertrip", I dug out my copy of "God Says No" last week, and put it in my Discman. A few of the songs skip, but I'd have to say that half of it is awesome, fully what I would expect from them. The tracks have gotten smoother, glossier, losing the garage feel of "Dopes", but the same undeniable beat and rhythm are there. Dave's lyrics are getting wierder by the day, but if they make sense to him, more power to him, I say!

I am still getting into it, but I'd have to say that Monster Magnet peaked shortly after "Dopes", maybe in the middle of "Powertrip". "God Says No" is pretty damn good, but it is an attempt to recapture the magic of "Dopes", which was waning for "Powertrip", and is now mostly gone. Intellecuatlly recreated but spiritually lacking, "God" is a must for any real fan.

7.0 out of 10

I still have to go out and buy every other album of theirs, since I haven't heard their EARLY stuff, so I'll get back to you when I find it!

VERDICT: Go out and buy "Dopes To Infinity" right now, you freaking idiot! Do it! DO IT, I SAY!!!

Society Review: Money

2004-08-17T12:13:00.000-07:00

Arguably the stupidest thing humans have invented since the inception of murder. I mean, pre-fixed-currency, human wealth was determined by what you could do through hard work. Land, a home, cattle, necessities... these were things ANYONE could get through simple hard work. It wasn't a matter of posessions, it was a matter of a person using his hands, and his mind, and his willpower to make life better for himself.

Nowdays, all you need to make a lot of money is parents who have a lot of money.

I know people who are hard workers, dedicated, and willing, who struggle just to make enough money to put $4 of gas into their motorbike so they can make it to work. I know incredibly smart, naturally talented people who are forced to work telemarketing jobs because they aren't sufficiently well-rounded or wealthy enough to go to college.

I also know people who are self-centered, self-posessed, ignorant of the world around them and generally offering nothing to the human race but a good tan and shiny teeth. This is because they have no jobs to go to, so they can hang at the beach. This is because they have enough money to get bleaching jobs to cover up their smoking. This is because their parents bought them a new car because they totalled their first one.

Money is no longer now in the hands of the hard-workers, it's in the hands of the people who are descended from hard-workers. I am working my ass off at my job and my home and it will take me 96 years to save for a down-payment on a crappy house, despite the fact I will be long-dead by that point.

A small group of people in a small group of states in a small country now control some retarded portion of the worlds resources, and will continue to do so simply because they HAVE done so. The International Fusion Project, for example, dedicated to bringing clean, free energy to the entire planet has been stalled because the countries can't agree who's land will be used to build the first one, and reap the monetary rewards.

Money is no longer the end, but the means. It is the means by which I am prevented from ever having enough time to be happy. It is the means by which poor people are kept poor, because they need money to get money. It is the means by which the wealthy distance themselves from reality, allowing them to spend three million dollars on a shore-front condo, despite the fact that it could also feed, clothe, and send every single homeless person in this city to college. It is the means by which the aggressive countries control the less naturally-bountiful ones.

On the other hand, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe money isn't the means... maybe it's the end.

Science Review: Air

2004-08-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

In spite of being the major component of the world around us, most people don't even think about it. Air. Nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen, and a couple other errant molecules of whatnot and whothere in each breath. Most people also don't even stop to think about the miracle of air.

Air, along with water, is one of the most castic substances in the Universe. Sure, a little bit of sulfuric acid can eat through metal in an hour or so, but it weakens. Air, given enough time, will eat through just about anything, especially when mixed with water. There's trillions of tons of it all around us, bearing down with enough force to actually keep us from exploding due to our internal blood pressure, and dense enough to actually melt carbon steel should it be travelling fast enough.

All in all, I give air a 7.8 out of 10 but it should really consider coming in more flavors.

Society Review: Kelowna

2004-08-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Nestled in the famed Okanagan Valley, Kelowna is often described by tourist handbooks and well-paid testimonial-givers to be the Jewel of British Columbia. Most of the town is lakefront, it's always sunny, and there's lots of money floating around. Technically, this is all true.

Most of the nice parts of town are lakefront. Everywhere else, although still expensive, has wonderful names like "Rutland", where people go when they can't afford to live someplace decent. The downtown core, where we somehow live, is full of $90,000 cars and $90,000 women. There are people with one child driving a Yukon Denali. There are post-midlife men driving penises... I mean, Porches. You know the cars that are 75% hood and 25% bucket seat. There's hundreds and thousands of teenagers with enough money to look like they think they're supposed to and not find anything wrong with paying $300 for pre-ripped pre-soiled jeans or a t-shirt that clearly doesn't fit.

Kelowna is a small town with enough money to delude itself into thinking it's the big city, and of people keep on believing it, one day it's going to come true. Naturally, we're leaving now and beating the rush.

Nature Review: Chickens

2004-08-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

For thousands of years, domesticated chickens have fed us with their plump breasts, succulent thighs and nutritious beaks. They have entertained us with their blood-spurting antics after being beheaded. They have warmed our spirits by stuffing our upholstery with their feathers to keep our fat asses comfortable. Truly, they are a wondrous animal, worthy of our respect and admiration.

Well... no. Not really. How dumb do you have to be when a force of hairy monkeys you outnumber ten to one conquers your entire civilization, boils and eats your young, and then deep fries and tears you apart with it's vicious teeth just because it doesnt feel like eating broccoli? I mean seriously! You have sharp claws, sharp teeth, and the ability to jump and hover. Come on!

Music Review: Clutch - Blast Tyrant

2004-08-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Fans of Clutch are often amazed at the vastly different sounds the band has. Listen to "Soapmakers", a happy hard-rockin nonsensical tune. Then listen to "Pile Driver", an incredibly crunchy, noisy and angst-inducing song that makes you wonder if it sounds musical purely by coincidence. Then listen to "Spacegrass", a huge rambling, bass-rumbling heavy-metal opus meant to be listened to in a convertible. Then listen to any of their blues-heavy songs such as Big News, or utterly random drug-based songs like "Willie Nelson". Listen to these, and try to imagine it's the same band, with the same skinny lead singer.

Blast Tyrant is their latest studio release, and some will notice the obvious similarities between it and the Black Album. Both Clutch and Metallica went from rough, fast studio recordings to extremely slick, well-produced studio-centered albums. Unlike the Black Album, Clutch pulls it off without sounding too pretentious. It is still undeniably them, with thundering riffs by Tim Sult (who still gets to layer 2, 3 or 4 guitar lines at a time, some of them either recorded backwards, ot recorded backwards and then put to music backwards yet again) and the skillful drumming of Jean-Paul, although bass player Maines is tragically underused, his unique leading style present in only a handful of songs (coincidentally, the best ones).

No longer "stoner rock" or "noise rock", Clutch has an album to appeal to those with more mainstream tastes, while satisfying everyone who still think of them as "the best damn band no-ones heard of but me."